Who can keep track of all their hair incarnations during motherhood? Some are hot, some are not, and some are things that your mother-in-law can barely tolerate looking at.
Here are some of the highlights (pun absolutely intended) of the many hair phases of the modern mom:
40 weeks pregnant: Cut, blown out and highlighted. Damn straight you’re going to look good in that post-delivery photo shoot.
Newborn: Homeless chic, aka matted, tangled, and with possible week old butt paste in it (thankfully, I mean the diaper cream of that name).
6-month-old: Cute bob. Because you feel cute and sassy with a cute, sassy, still immobile baby. Get on, with your cute self, to those baby playdates.
10-month-old: Not cute bob, aka “the wet squirrel.” Your early walker has made your 2-minute daily blow-dry impossible.
Toddler: Screw it, you’re getting a pixie cut. Low maintenance, right? Oh, oops, that cut only works if you style it. Back to the drawing board.
Pregnant with #2: Lots of thick hair in a sort of cute ponytail. Or maybe your mother-in-law’s comment that you certainly don’t sweat the small stuff means it’s sort of not cute.
Two kids under 3: Hair? Do you have hair? You’re lucky if you remember to wash it twice a week, by which I mean once a week. Your mother-in-law gives you a gift certificate to a salon but doesn’t offer to watch the kids so you could actually use it.
Two kids in preschool: Back in the game with highlights, lowlights, medium lights, blondes, reds, and a sassy bang. Hello date night.
Two kids in elementary school: Color out of the box once you realize how expensive camp, lacrosse, dance, and private school will be for your “spirited learner,” aka the one kicked out of public school.
Two kids in middle school: Whatever it is, it embarrasses the hell out of both of your children.
Two kids with driver’s licenses: Your mother-in-law has asked if you have decided just not to do anything about the grays.
Two kids in college: Red! Why the hell not? It’s your time, baby.
One kid gets married: Classic bob befitting the mother of the bride. You get your hair done alongside your goddamn mother-in-law.
Both kids have their own kids: Pink. You were always a feisty thing, weren’t you?!More On