My husband rolled his eyes when I suggested he give my beauty routine a try — he thought I was kidding. I kept staring at him and he laughed at me. I continued staring at him and he agreed. Witchy woman powers y’all … I also told him I would pay him to do it.
He believes my beauty routine consists of magic potions, and he’s right. I mix different types of oils with just about everything, even my toothpaste. I also utilize a yummy array of essential oils to complement the power of coffee (and lack of sleeping pills I wish I could use).
He was in. Mission: bust Eric out of the beauty routine of just some toilet paper, a tooth brush, some deodorant, and maybe the occasional razor. Here he is before my sorcery graced his face:
… slightly pissed, tired, and secretly terrified I’m going to make him use my eyelash curler, which I am.
- Take a shower with soap and a loofah. Shave your legs — just kidding! Mix body lotion with oil from the Jojoba oil bottle (that is actually olive oil because I’m too cheap to buy more Jojoba oil) and apply to all my skin.
- Apply Clinique toner and SPF 15 face lotion, mixed with two drops of ozone oil (fancy olive oil with ozone) to face.
- Brush teeth with toothpaste and one drop of ozone oil. Floss. Apply chapstick.
- Gingerly administer peppermint oil to pulse points and drink a shot of espresso.
Dude Doubts: What is your definition of “all my skin”? Will the alcohol in the Clinique toner give me a buzz? Will the ozone oil give me a buzz? What is ozone oil? I’m not using your chapstick because it has a weird layer of lipstick residue on it. And I don’t need you to remind me to brush my teeth and floss.
- Repeat face and teeth maintenance and replace peppermint oil with lavender oil. Put in retainer and smile.
Dude Doubts: I already did this stuff in the morning. Why do I need to repeat? Besides the teeth — stop reminding me. My retainer hurts my teeth and gives me a lisp.
Once a Week:
- Lavender salt scrub on all my skin. Cut and file nails.
Dude Doubts: Stop writing “all my skin.”
Dude Deliberation: The stuff that she does in the bathroom is as mysterious to me as the contents of her purse. I’ve never really cared to look inside. But, after she asked me to subject myself to the oils she just kept looking at me and didn’t laugh. I knew she hadn’t actually asked me.
Day one. Eric took his time toying with his own oil-to-lotion ratios as we only had pancake eating on our agenda. He made the obligatory annoyed grunts but secretly loved it.
He wakes up at 5 AM and leaves for work at 7:30 AM. Our son wakes up at 7:30 AM. As I’m unwilling to wake up early, I left all supplies on the counter and hoped for the best. As I shuffled into the bathroom long after he left everything was moved around, which I assumed meant he went through the routine, or at least touched the bottles. I smelled ozone oil on him that evening.
There was an oil spill this morning. Further evidence that he’s doing something with all the fragrance-free body goo.
Time for the weekly salt scrub. There was oily salt all over the shower curtain — a good sign. I had instructed him to apply the salt scrub everywhere. And he was soft, so soft, when I touched him that evening. It was lovely.
Dude Disclaimer: I did not actually use the scrub EVERYWHERE.
He still rolls his eyes when I remind him to continue this routine until Saturday but I spied him smiling whilst patting lotion on his face. I’m winning. Wait, it’s not a competition? OK. (I’m winning.)
I’m becoming resentful of my supply of goodies quickly diminishing — I’m questioning whether this was a good idea. He likes this too much.
My bottle of ozone oil is empty, but we made it! And I promise, Eric’s pores are smaller and his skin glowing. He’ll likely still tell me I spend too much time on my beauty routine but will secretly continue it on his own.
Check out this “after” stud:
(Some hair gook, sunscreen lotion, oil, a smile — and a camera better than my phone — goes a long way! And yes, his eyelashes are curled.)
I’m pleased with the results and hopeful he’ll continue the application of sunscreen. But, my main source of satisfaction in this experiment is that he’s finally gained a glimpse into my bathroom rituals and understands that I’m not just sitting on the pot scrolling through Facebook — I’m making magic! Or at least rubbing oils and such all over myself. At the very least, I hope he stops hassling me every time I say I need exactly one hour to get ready in the morning — and that includes time to sit on the pot and scroll through Facebook.
Dude Disclosure: It wasn’t as awful as I thought it would be. I barely have time to shower in the morning so I’ll be skipping all the body lotion from this point forward, but I’m into the sunscreen. Skin cancer is not sexy and that is something I’ve neglected. I still think Bailey takes too long in the bathroom but I now have a general understanding of the benefits of her madness. But, I’ll never understand makeup and hair curlers (is that what they’re called?). And no, I did not let her curl my eyelashes.More On