What Your Go-To Makeup Says About You

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Following on the heels (ha ha!) of my 10 hot outfits for moms piece, I’ve decided to write a version about makeup. You know, makeup. That stuff in the bag you packed for the hospital when you gave birth to your now 3-year-old. Yeah you should probably go find it. It’s still in the hospital bag, most likely.

Anyway, when you get back from looking in the attic for it, here’s the translation of what it means when you see a mom rocking different types of makeup.

1. Mascara

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You’re tired of feeling like a mom. You’re a woman! A femme fatale! Wait, are you seriously telling me that you didn’t notice anything different about my look, husband? Are you blind?

2. Lip Gloss

This screams, “I’m sexy and also my lips are chapped because I went out in the damn snow last week to quote unquote make memories with my kids during a snow day. Now the toddler has a cold, the baby almost got frostbite, and I’m never doing that again.”

3. Concealer

Bet you took that one back out of the makeup bag after you delivered your baby! This is the go-to for moms. Wearing concealer can be loosely translated as “Once upon a time I used this for bags under my eyes after a fun night out. Now I scoff at those bags. Those were like clutch purses compared to the satchels I have now, after three years of interrupted sleep and that horrible night terror phase.”

4. Lipstick

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Your mother-in-law is coming over and you’re sick of her sideways looks at your appearance. You know she wears lipstick so now you’ll be above reproach. Except that she criticizes your shade and application. Can’t win ‘em all. (Or any of ‘em.)

5. Powder

You dug for rocks with your kids for an hour in 80 degree heat, but who can tell? Not your husband, with that thick layer of powder.

6. Blush

The decision to spend 60 precious seconds applying blush (45 of which were finding your brush) has nothing to do with watching Walking Dead and recognizing a weird similarity between you and the zombies. Nothing.

7. Eyeshadow

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Now you’re going to notice something husband, dammit! What was that? No that was intentional. It’s called a smoky eye.

8. Foundation

You’re having a weird hormonal response to weaning. Or maybe it’s perimenopause. Or maybe it’s all the fast food you’re pretending you didn’t eat last week while waiting for your kid to get out of swim practice.

9. Eye Liner

YES! It’s supposed to swoop like that and it’s supposed to be really alluring!!!

10. Body Glitter

I’m going out to the bar to see if I can find a man who thinks smoky eyes are hot. By which I mean I’m going to my book club, and invent a story about my friend’s husband complimenting my new look.

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Article Posted 4 years Ago

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