Cooking with Your Kids in 26 StepsLeslie Gaar
Cooking for your family doesn’t have to be a chore. Getting your kids involved in the dinner-making process can be fun and rewarding for all involved! And it’s as easy as one, two … 26.
- Discuss which recipe you will make. Spend majority of time explaining to son why “birthday cake spaghetti” may not be the best choice. Secretly jot down this suggestion to use for post-bedtime sustenance.
- Browse Pinterest for inspiration. Agree on recipe for Zucchini Flatbread Pizza. Reason that allowing your kids to chop the vegetables will miraculously give them the desire to eat said vegetables.
- Feel excited and inspired by fictitious picture of adorable cooking family dressed in white and smiling in such a way that suggests they have all undergone partial lobotomies. This will be your family in a matter of mere minutes.
- Upon opening pantry, realize you only have ingredients for birthday cake spaghetti or pancakes. Opt for the latter after careful consideration.
- Break up fight that has broken out between older two children over which canned soup has the most noodles. Cheerfully explain why it is not appropriate to call one another “stupid poopy butt.” Notice mental image of white-clad lobotomy family starting to fade.
- Engage in impromptu sex-ed conversation with daughter in attempt to explain why she is not “killing baby chicks” by cracking the eggs. Hand eggs to son, as daughter is still visibly distraught and now slightly confused.
- Remove eggshell bits from infant daughter’s mouth while simultaneously Googling ‘salmonella symptoms in babies.’
- Show son how to measure 2 1/2 cups of flour, enjoying smug sense of satisfaction at opportunity to teach fractions in real-life setting. Feel hopes come crashing down as son repeatedly questions which number is the two and finally refers to it as “the squiggly one.”
- Assist daughter in stirring batter while attempting to recreate loving simper on lobotomy mom’s face. Feel simper melt into grimace as daughter inadvertently slings half of batter onto floor (and baby) with her too vigorous strokes.
- Remove baby’s batter-covered onesie and strap her into carrier in hopes of preventing further mishaps. Ignore twinge of pain beginning to radiate through lower back.
- Successfully assist son in pouring three small circles of batter onto hot skillet. Revel in (fleeting) Martha Stewart-if-she-had-ever-actually-cooked-with-her-kids moment.
- Feel cold grip of panic as you realize spatula, which you could’ve sworn you had just moments ago, is now nowhere to be found. Begin searching kitchen in frenzied manner reminiscent of the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland.
- Locate daughter using spatula to dig hole in backyard to bury “treasure,” aka her new pair of shoes.
- Frantically run back to kitchen and attempt to wash dirt from spatula before pancake burns.
- Curse as smoke alarm alerts you to the fact that you are too late.
- Scramble to give sanitized definition of curse word to inquiring children as you open all doors and start to fan smoke outside, all while calming hysterical baby.
- As you lean over to throw away blackened pancake, feel pain shooting from head to lower back, resulting from strain caused by baby carrier. Text chiropractor to see when he can schedule you, knowing full well you will not be able to keep appointment.
- Kick everyone out of damn kitchen to finish damn pancakes your damn self. Damn.
- Finish making pancakes alone in approximately 3.5 minutes. Wonder why you ever had the idea to let your kids help in the first place, as this method is infinitely more efficient and less likely to send you into blinding rage.
- Salvage mental image of lobotomy mom, now blissfully cooking alone in pristine million dollar kitchen.
- Destroy mental image once and for all upon seeing flour-encrusted, sweaty reflection of self in toaster.
- Resolve to never look at stupid, perfect Pinterest again.
- Wearily announce to family that dinner is finally ready. Receive no response.
- Find children happily eating goldfish and cereal in front of television. Decide that screen time limits were set by people without kids and slowly, silently back out of room.
- Enjoy feast of pancakes while standing over kitchen sink, contemplating what in the hell to pack for tomorrow’s school lunches.
- Repeat steps 1-25 next week after spontaneously developing amnesia.
Article Posted 8 months Ago