27 Random Thoughts of a Mom on the Brink of Sleep

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

I’ve heard it said that moms don’t sleep — they pass out. I say that’s a pretty accurate statement.

You know what I mean. You’re exhausted and can’t wait for the end of the day. You think about having a shot of espresso with dinner just to keep yourself vertical until bedtime. Maybe you do have a shot of espresso with dinner. Maybe you alternate shots of expresso with shots of wine. Just kidding. Who does that? Ahem.

Ten o’clock rolls around and you are so tired. You check on your kids one last time. You check Facebook one last time. You put your pajamas on and swish your toothbrush around inside your mouth and crawl into bed with a grateful sigh. Your head hits the pillow and you close your eyes.

Then BAM.

Brain: Hey, what are you doing? You’re not going to sleep. It’s time to party.

You: I didn’t get the invite or the memo or the email or whatever. Nighty-night, brain. I have so much to do tomorrow so be quiet.

Brain: Girl, please. You know me better than that.

Maybe you will yourself to relax. Maybe you take deep breaths or count sheep. Maybe you watch the clock, stressing and obsessing about how little sleep you’re going to get.

Maybe the more you concentrate on relaxing the more active your mind becomes. Here’s a list of things that run through my mind at the end of the day when I’m trying to unplug my brain for a few hours. Maybe these look familiar.

  1. Did I lock the back door?
  2. Did I remember to take that roast out of the freezer for tomorrow’s dinner?
  3. If I don’t remember to thaw anything out, we can always order pizza again.
  4. If we order pizza tomorrow that will make the third time this week we’ve had pizza for dinner. Does that make me a bad mom?
  5. I wonder where I stashed those pizza coupons …
  6. Is there wet laundry in the washer? (Hint: the answer to this is always yes.)
  7. Did I shower today? I can’t remember if I showered today. (This might be where you sniff yourself. Shhh. It’s okay. No shame in that.)
  8. How does that man fall asleep so fast? I wish I could do that.
  9. Geez Louise, how does he not wake himself up with all that snoring? He sounds like a broken lawnmower.
  10. Remember that time when his snoring woke the kids up?
  11. Maybe I should check on the kids one more time. No, they might wake up, then they’ll never go back to sleep. Then I’ll never go back to sleep. Damn.
  12. What if [insert pretty much any random thought here]. (Didn’t you know that the “what if” game is super fun when you’re trying to go to sleep? Not.)
  13. Did I sign the permission slips? Go through the folder? Empty out the gunkified pudding cup in my kid’s lunchbox?
  14. Is my phone plugged in? Yes, good. Is my alarm set? Yes, good.
  15. It sounds like someone’s trying to get in through the garage. Or maybe that’s just the ice maker making ice … or maybe it’s the cat …
  16. When was the last time the cat went to the vet?
  17. I need to call the vet. Should I get up and write it on my to-do list right now or will I remember it when I get up in the morning?
  18. That really does sound like someone is trying to get in through the garage. Maybe I should wake up my husband.
  19. If I wake him up and there’s no one actually trying to get in through the garage, he’ll want to have sex. When was the last time I shaved my legs? Yeah … I can’t even remember the last time I showered, so …
  20. If I go to sleep within the next 10 minutes, that’ll give me a solid five-and-a-half hours of sleep.
  21. I should have been nicer to the checkout lady at the grocery store today. She was probably having a bad day and the fact that my kid was trying to climb the candy display made me extra bitchy.
  22. When’s the last time I replaced my mascara? I think I read you’re supposed to replace it like every six months … I think mine is from 2014.
  23. Are we running out of milk? I need to make the grocery list. Let’s see … milk, bananas, toilet paper, coffee …
  24. Crap! Are we out of K-Cups? I can’t even tomorrow without my coffee jump start.
  25. Did I really just say “I can’t even?”
  26. I should have spent more time with my kids today and less time on my phone … I should buy more organic foods and less Lunchables.
  27. If I go to sleep right now I’ll get four hours of sleep. That’s enough, right?

Tomorrow’s going to be a long day. Maybe I can catch a nap … oh, who am I kidding? Moms don’t take naps.

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