So I just had a baby.
And by “just” I mean she’s almost six months old and no, that’s definitely not me in the picture that accompanies this article — that’s my much more genetically-gifted and downright gorgeous cousin because there’s no way in heck I could pull off a bra-and-bump look for the world to see.
Which is kind of why I have been so desperately trying to work out again. But I admit, that much like the denial I have when I gain 50 pounds during my pregnancies, that working out again after I have a baby sees me run the ringer through a variety of different denial and acceptance stages, such as …
#1: The optimistic workout clothes shopping
Oh, this Spandex will be slimming! Surely some new workout clothes will get me motivated to actually go work out, right? OMG, who can fit into these things?? Why do I have rolls there? OK, I definitely need to lose some weight before I can wear these workout clothes. (Hangs pants back up on the hanger as quickly as possible.)
#2: The flurry of Pinterest pinning
Ooo, here’s a list of diagrams you can do at home, I’ll need that. OK, and weekend food prep, that should be doable. How hard is it to grill up a few chicken breasts and hard boil some eggs? Why didn’t I do this sooner? OH, and a list of exercises you can do with the baby — perfect. I’m so going to be one of those fit and sporty moms.
#3: The reality check
Opening scene one: exhausted mother sprawled across floor with a screaming baby in one arm, a yoga mat crumpled in the corner, half-seasoned chicken breasts in the kitchen, burnt-to-a-crisp roasted broccoli in the oven, and one sad, half-cooked egg in the sink. Time: 8:38 AM.
#4: The Great Gym Debate
Well, I really hate to spend money we don’t really have, but maybe getting a gym membership would motivate me? And they do offer childcare so I could fit it in during the day and spend more time relaxing in the evening. Or maybe squeeze it in after work? But then again, I could just try exercising at home … (circle back to #2). What to do, what to do …
#5: The never-again gym child care experience
When you pick your kid up from the gym daycare and find he/she has a dried-on, crusted poopy diaper that is at least an hour old, snot pouring out, and has the red speckled face that signals crying has definitely happened and you want to burst into tears and fly back through time so you would never do anything so selfish as try to be healthy ever, ever again.
#6: The why-didn’t-I-do-this sooner gym child care moment
When you pick your baby up, find her cooing, happily nestled in a Mary Poppins-like child minder’s arms and wonder what on earth took you so long to get here.
#7: The basing your entire day around exercising
Once you’re hooked on working out, you’re all in — but then comes the reality of exercise taking up the entirety of your existence. Gone are the days when you could simply pop into the gym and workout, or head out for a run after work. These days, if you want to exercise, you have to strategize and plan for it like it’s war each and every day.
#8: The horror of sports bras when you’re breastfeeding
Oh, you mean you didn’t know you had to wear two bras now? Hahahahaha.
#9: Timing your workouts for rightafterthebabyisdoneeatingsoyourboobsdon’tfillupwithmilk.
OK, the time clock starts NOW.
#10: Wondering how long society accepts the “I just had a baby” excuse
Is there like a cut-off? It’s six months, isn’t it? I mean, Heidi Klum has had four kids, so really, things are not looking good for me …
#11: The I don’t give a f*%& point.
Sure, I will exercise because it makes me feel good, but you know what? This body has done amazing things and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to enjoy a brownie every now and then.