Ladies, if you think you know what having a period is like, think again.
It doesn’t matter whether you’ve known Aunt Flo since puberty, tried every feminine product on the market, or have even found yourself up crimson creek without a tampon; stock photography would like to educate you on what it means to be a woman on her menses.
Remember to take notes!
First comes the dreaded PMS.
Danger! Danger! Proceed with extreme caution; female construction — or deconstruction — ahead!
Typical PMS behavior includes:
- Waking up as she-devil
Slow down! Hurry up! Don’t touch me! Hug me! Don’t look at me! Look at me! Don’t talk to me! Answer me!
- Demanding chocolate and/or wine and/or Taco Bell
Get in my bloated belly!
- Passive-aggressive communication by way of trusty pink PMS key, cleverly disguised as a tampon mouse/stick of mega-bitch dynamite
- Capped-out crumpled pink Post-Its demanding respect of our fluctuating hormones
Because if we’ve told you once, we’ve told you every 28 days.
Thankfully, a woman is always prepared …
… with her discreet calendar, personal diary (So. Many. Feelings.), representative red pencil, and crimson daisy to commemorate her red moon rising.
And of course, every woman on-the-go carries a single unwrapped tampon because nothing says “sanitary” quite like an exposed tampon rolling around a purse floor riddled with Kind Bar crumbs, translucent powder dust, and $1.57 in coinage.
Good thing she doesn’t have to go it alone.
Ladies, look how fun! Now you can sync up your menstrual cycle and your fashion choices with your very own estrogen army! #squadgoals #periodparty
Oh, but look at all the feminine protection choices!
Tampon or panty liner? Tampon or pad? Panty liner or pad? Gosh, being a woman is hard.
Maybe I’ll go with tampons. Who doesn’t enjoy forming tampon hearts on contaminated rustic surfaces? Splinters be damned!
Then again, panty liners always seem to come with flowers. And I really like flowers, especially during my period as they remind me how I, too, have blossomed.
Never mind, I’ll just commune in nature braless with my menstrual cup. I’ve never felt so free!
But how do these complicated girl gadgets even work?
So much for superior leak protection of my new tiny white panties!
I see you, tampon, and I have big plans for you …
… and this lacy red thong because …
… my period makes me feel so wonderfully sexy and not at all bloated or crampy or like my uterus is seeking revenge on behalf of her precious unfertilized egg.
It’s only because my man is so comfortable with female biology that it can be this way. I’m such a lucky woman.
These cramps, though.
It’s a good thing I’m able to hide my discomfort so well in public.
No one even has to know.
Just let me make sure my pad isn’t showing. Can you see it? Watch me walk. How about now?
Once I’m home, a hot water bottle and my flirty white ruffle panties usually offer relief.
As does this special tea I bought off the internet. I read somewhere that drinking topless reduces bloat.
But when all else fails, I like to whimper as I shed the thickened lining of my uterus like boom!
OK, so maybe it’s not so much “boom” as charming wooden heart-shaped buttons. Gosh, periods are cute.
Gee, there really is so much to love about menstruation. I think I’ll advertise the majesty of my menses for all the world to see.
Woman at work, indeed.