We don’t get to choose our family … or our names for that matter. Check out some of the most unfortunate baby names dealt out to celebrity babies.
1. Tu Morrow (Rob Morrow)
You just know that this name came up during a drunken pre-conception conversation. The tragedy is, they never thought of a better one. We just hope the kid likes that song from Annie, because people will be serenading her with it forever.
2. Zuma Nesta Rock (Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale)
Sure, “Zuma” is the name of a beach in a Malibu. That’s lovely. But it’s also a computer game. And the diminutive form of a term for a bad gastrointestinal condition. And, for anyone who remembers the ’90s, a much-mocked malt beverage. No, wait — that was Zima.
3. Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette)
Job descriptions just don’t work as proper names. And what are the odds that she’ll actually grow up to be a crimefighter? Slim.
4. Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee)
Speaking of job descriptions — Pilot Inspektor isn’t even a real job. Neither is Pilot Inspector, for that matter. Plane Inspector is a real job, but that’s like two steps above DMV worker in
the glamour department.
5. Kal-El (Nicolas Cage)
Do celebrities actually think their children have superpowers? Sometimes we wonder.
6. Bogart Che Peyote (Reality star David “Puck” Rainey)
Using the names of revolutionaries and drugs in your kid’s name is one thing. Using the common term for slobbering all over that joint you won’t share is quite another.
7. Fifi Trixiebell (Bob Geldof and Paula Yates)
Didn’t Paris Hilton use this name for one of her little dogs? Bob and Paula didn’t hold back with their other two daughters either: Peaches Honeyblossom and Pixie.
8. Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily (Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence)
New dad, same Paula Yates baby name madness … in fact, this one might be the worst of all.
9. Audio Science (Katie “Jordan” Price)
Someday this little girl will realize she is not in fact a princess, and all the extra vowels in the world won’t be able to cushion the blow.
10. Prince Michael II/”Blanket” (Michael Jackson)
See above. Luckily, MJ atoned for his choice of moniker by nicknaming the kid “Blanket,” a name no one could ever possibly find fault with.
11. Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson)
Bad puns and awkward plays on language really should just be avoided at all costs. “Jermajesty” sounds like the name of a really bad self-produced hip-hop album.
12. Apple (Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow)
It almost doesn’t seem fair to make fun of this, especially when considered against names like “Princess Tiaamii” and “Audio Science.” But still. Fruit? Fruit just isn’t creative. Vegetables, on the other hand … “Zucchini” would be a kinda cute name. Also, speaking of punny names … apple martini, anyone?
13. Denim (Toni Braxton)
“Polyester,” “Suede,” and “Poly-Blend” aren’t good names for children; neither is Denim.
14. Diezel (Toni Braxton)
Seriously? You want to name your kid after fossil fuels?
15. Banjo (Rachel Griffiths and Andrew Taylor)
This is possibly the worst musical instrument to name your kid after — with the exception of “tuba.”
16. Sage Moonblood (Sylvester Stallone)
“Sage” is a beautiful name, but “Sage Moonblood”? Sounds like the kind of “natural” feminine hygiene product sold in stores that also deal hemp and patchouli.
17. Speck Wildhorse (John Cougar Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin)
“Speck” — short for “Special”? “Spectator”? “Speculum”?
18. Pirate (Korn frontman Jonathan Davis and wife Deven)
There’s probably no better way to guarantee that your child become an accountant than to name him “Pirate.”
19. Rebel (Robert Rodriguez)
This famous director also has three more sons named Racer, Rogue, and Rocket. Suggested names for Robert Rodriguez’s next child: “Rapscallion,” “Rabble-Rouser,” “Racketteer,” and “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot.”
20. Seven (Andre Benjamin and Erykah Badu)
Numbers as names: Why? To what does the number refer? Why not six? Why not eight? SEVEN WHAT?
21. Harley Quinn (Kevin Smith)
Our theory: Kevin Smith is covering up his secret love of romance novels by making everyone think his daughter is named after the Batman villain. Can’t fool us, Silent Bob!
22. Camera (Arthur Ashe)
“Camera” is so generic. Why not “Nikon”? Or “Canon”?
23. Free (Barbara Hershey and David Carradine)
If this kid’s middle name is Willy … (Note: “Free” later changed his name to Timothy)
24. Kyd (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni)
Doesn’t this just invite people to speculate that you, as parents, a) just didn’t care enough to actually name your kid and b) can’t spell?
25. Satchel (Woody Allen and Mia Farrow)
Why not just go ahead and name your kid “manpurse”? It’s no wonder Satchel later changed his name to Ronan …
26. Mars Merkaba (Erykah Badu and Jay Electronica)
Aren’t men, not little girls, supposed to be from Mars? And if there’s any question about her apparent alien heritage, her middle name confirms it.
27. Buddy Bear (Jamie Oliver)
Jamie’s other kids are named Petal Blossom Rainbow, Daisy Boo, and Poppy Honey — he does know his kids will eventually grow up and lead adult lives, right?
28. Diva Thin Muffin (Frank Zappa)
As if girls didn’t already have enough pressures that lead to possible eating disorders …
29. Dweezil (Frank Zappa)
Oh good, a combination of “dweeb” and “weasel” — that is a bully-proof name for sure.
30. Moon Unit (Frank Zappa)
Think there might be a good science lesson in here somewhere?
31. Bronx Mowgli (Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz)
It’s like some bad Disney remake of the Jungle Book where Mowgli somehow transports to New York and must learn how to survive in the urban jungle — we can see it now …
32. Hero (Myleene Klass)
Well, at least Myleene had the feminist good sense not to name her “Heroine,” which might have some other undesirable connotations …More On