People magazine has its Most Beautiful People list. Maxim‘s got its Hot 100. FHM has a list. Everyone has a list. You cannot be taken seriously in the world of celebrity obsession if you do not have a list.
So, we put together a list. Or rather, I did. And since I don’t give a hoot, really, about who’s most beautiful or most sexy or most likely to have a sex tape, I went with which celebrity moms do I think are coolest? Which is to say, which celebrity moms do I think rise above the celebrity ordinary in some way and, also, with whom would I, like, totally love to hang out? In a completely non-stalkerish way, of course.
Herewith then, the completely unscientific and totally biased list of the 50 Coolest Celebrity Moms:
1. Victoria Beckham" width="612" height="710" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" allowtransparency="true" src name id class title align marginheight="0" marginwidth="0">
Because even though she’s, like, waaay at the extreme edge of hyper-overfunctioning-alpha-momness, what with the boob job and the wearing of six-inch heels to soccer games and such – which is to say, even though she terrifies me – she still made me laugh out loud with that reality show that she did. Making fun of Perez Hilton on reality television? Cool.
Because for someone so young, she’s handling popstar motherhood with way more maturity than I would have expected, given her peer group. Not a single car-accident, crotch-flash or party-bender yet. Way to go, Xtina, for noticing that the bar is set really, really low, and high-stepping right over it.
Because even though she pushes the envelope on being pretentious and ridiculous – and sometimes both at the same time – she’s still Madonna. She’s a kid’s-book-writing mom who still squeezes herself into bondage gear to pimp her causes and get her records sold.
Because she was Monica. That’s pretty much it, really. Oh, and because I’ll bet that she and David are, like, super fun on playdates – and you just know that they do those together.
Mary J. Blige
Because stepmoms are moms too, you know. And if you had to imagine the coolest stepmom ever? She would probably look and sound a lot like Mary J. Blige.
Because even though macrobiotic diets aren’t exactly the epitome of cool, and even though she did insist upon wearing all those weird shoes for the Iron Man premieres, you still can’t argue with the fact that she’s got a pretty firm grip on cool, if only because she has the best wardrobe of any mom ever, and because she takes the kids to Daddy’s stadium concerts.
Because she’s a redneck mommy, and proud.
Because she wrote those books, and because she did it with a baby at her side.
Because she makes no apologies for falling in love with a guy who is, or seems, closer to her kids’ generation than her own. And because she rocks being a forty-something mom like nobody’s bizniss.
Because even though she’s still just at the expectant mom stage, her cool mom status is pretty much assured. She’s a pregnant American Gladiator, people.
Because even though she sometimes seems to make questionable life choices, she’s still Kate Moss. Also, is there any other mom on the entire planet who can pull off skinny jeans like she does? Not that she’s wearing skinny jeans anymore. Those are so six months ago.
Because even though she dissed the Harry Potter books for glorifying boarding school (which was just weird, because, you know – there are far, far worse things than can be glorified for kids than school) and sometimes wears dresses that are missing a sleeve, she still possesses an almost otherworldly cool. That, and she lives with her kids, her partner, and a lover. How do I get a deal like that?
Because she so obviously loves her son, and because she seems to be barring no holds in letting him express his individuality. And, too, because she’s always, always smiling. How often can you say that about a mom, single or otherwise?
Because she just seems so sweet, you know? Like someone you could spend hours sipping tea with while the kids rolled around on the grass, dishing gossip and sharing cinnamon roll recipes – you just know that she eats those – while painstakingly avoiding the topic of the suspiciously extreme metrosexuality of her boyfriend.
Because she’s redefined the term “baby mama” for everybody, forever, in the best possible way. And because if there’s a genetic code for FUNNY than can be passed down to offspring, she and Will Arnett will make that pass.
Because she’s hot, and Italian, and I have a girl-crush on her that has nothing to do with how good a mom she is. You got a problem with that?
Because didn’t we all want to be her in the late ’80s/early ’90s? And now that she’s a full-on mom with gorgeous kids and a gorgeous husband and gorgeous everything, don’t we just all want to be her even more? Just for a day, maybe?
Because when she did those Gap ads, with her baby, this past Christmas? It made me both want to buy an entire wardrobe of Gap sweaters and have another baby, all at once.
Because whenever I see pictures of her with her daughter in public, I get the impression that her daughter is just constantly rolling her eyes at her, which, you know, makes me feel just a gazillion times better about the inevitable eye-rolling that I’ll face from my own daughter. If Kate Beckinsale gets the pre-adolescent eye-roll? Then we can all feel just a little bit better about it ourselves.
Because she’s not Tori Spelling, not by a long shot. Which is to say – after 90210 she had her kids and did some projects and stayed happy with herself while managing to never get a boob job or put her kids on reality TV. And because we get watch her as Kelly Taylor again on the new 90210, which, ohmygod, so cool.
Because, um? Julianne Moore? She’s one of the most gorgeous, elegant moms out there and I totally want to be just like her when I grow up.
Because she’s managed better than anybody to keep her family life separate from her celebrity life, and doesn’t seem to care if that’s lost her any celebrity street-cred, which it hasn’t, but still. Also, because she gave her kids the best names ever.
Jada Pinkett Smith
Because, seriously? She could kick my ass but good for leaving her off a list like this. Not that she’d care, though. She’s too cool for that.
Because she dresses her kids up in those adorable private school uniforms and then follows them down the street as they pedal along on their scooters, looking for all the world like little Oliver (and Olivia) Twists with trust funds. Anachronistic childrearing: cool.
Because she makes “granola-mama” look like a really hip thing to be. So much so that she could almost convince me to do yoga. Almost.
Because she handled that whole Eddie “Oh Hey That’s Not My Baby” Murphy thing without getting the least bit stabby. At least not in public, anyway. And if she got a bit stabby in private, well, who can blame her?
Because she’s very nearly in the same category of hip as Kate Moss, but without the sordid druggy-rock-star-party-party complications. Also, she designs a fashion line that features sexy underwear, and she dumped Jude Law. How many moms do you know who can lay claim to that?
Because Uma Thurman could just stand there with kid-barf and pancake splatter all over her and she’d still be cooler than pretty much everyone else. And because she just ignores her ex when he does stupid things like impregnate the former nanny or write stupid songs about the divorce. That’s cooler than I could manage, any day.
Because I don’t think that I’ve seen more than two or three pictures of her, since she became a mom, without her baby. If that.
Because, quite apart from being beautiful and composed and one of the best actresses in the world, she manages to share custody of her children with one of the strangest men in the known universe and never publicly say a critical word about him.
Because she’s proud of being – openly, publicly – in love with another woman, and because she doesn’t mince any words about wanting that woman to officially be her kids’ stepmom.
Because she weathered a very public divorce with dignity. And, also, because when you see those pictures of her out with her kids and Jake Gyllenhaal you root for her to win the whole romance-and-family-bliss package. Even if that really almost never happens in Hollywood.
Single mom, battling breast cancer and still maintaining a sizzling career? Definitely cool.
Because she’s managed to maintain a career in the music industry while reserving ample time for her children and keeping them out of the public eye. Also, she is, in my opinion, a far, far superior mom-ambassador for Canadian music than Celine Dion, and so she gets buckets of cool points, just for not being Celine Dion.
Because, seriously, if Tina Fey has the market on the urbane, thirty-something funny mom cornered, Jaime’s got the market on the hysterical television redneck mom squared.
Because she played fourteen-year-old virgin Juliet in Central Park’s Shakespeare in the Park presentation of Romeo and Juliet while breastfeeding her baby between scenes. And because she says f*ck a lot and, you know, that resonates with me.
Because she handled the break-up with her uber-jerk, supermodel-chasing ex (and father of her child) – while she was still pregnant – with far more grace than I would have. Which is to say, with far less shrieking and rending of garments. I don’t think she shrieked or tore her clothing once. In fact, she seemed to never bat an eye. That is ice-cold.
Because she makes me feel good about no longer being the size four/36B that I was before having babies.
Because she’s Gwen Stefani, and if there really is such a thing as a bona fide rock star mommy, she’s it.
Because she didn’t take Tom Cruise’s shit.
Because I’ll bet that she has some really, really dirty jokes to share, and that she’d share them in the middle of the playground while the kids romped nearby, if you asked her.
Sarah Jessica Parker
Because she was a mom while she was still Carrie, which you might think would be hard to pull off, but for her just wasn’t. Also, the woman who married and procreated with Ferris Bueller? Automatically cool.
Because how many kids can say that their mom stood up to the President of the United States?
Jamie Lee Curtis
Her kids are older, I know, but hey – she’s a mom nonetheless. And she deserves to be included here because she’s not afraid to say what she thinks about celebrity parents behaving badly, and somebody needs be saying that stuff.
Because she breastfed, publicly, for, like, forever, and didn’t make a big deal about it. And, also, because of the movie Secretary, which has nothing to do with her being a mom, but whatever. She rocked in that movie.
Because she was, possibly, the most elegant woman alive before she became a mom, and she’s not one iota less elegant now that she is a mom.
Because even though it’s tempting to hate her for being so beautiful and so charitable and so in possession of Brad Pitt, her airplane-flying, motorcycle-driving, save-the-world cool is undeniable. Also, I want her to take me for a ride in that plane.
Because she handled grieving the loss of the father of her child, in public, so elegantly and with such dignity. Because she’s forging ahead with life with that child with her chin up. Because such strength is amazing. To call that cool is maybe a bit crass, but I will: that’s cool.
Because, seriously? If there’s any celebrity mom that I would stalk for playdates, it’s her. She makes me want to be a better mom. And to have dimples, but that’s another story.
Because she is so freaking smart and funny, and because I’ll bet she’s just as smart and funny at home after being up all night with a cranky baby as she is sitting around the writers’ table backstage at SNL or 30 Rock. Could she be my best friend please?
Obviously, there are some pretty notable celebrity moms that didn’t make this list – some for good reason (being unable to keep custody of children, or underpants on – not so cool; ostentatious displays of wealth and absurd divaness while delivering children – not so cool). You, however, are free to take issue with any and all inclusions or exclusions on this list. Leave your arguments in feedback. Or, make your own list. It’s fun.