I can hear it now — my mom yelling down the stairs where my friends and I were sitting watching TV, the syllables, “co” (pronounced with a long monotone ohhhhh sound) followed by a high pitched and much louder “deeeeeeeeeeee!” The thought of the sound still gives me the hebegebees. The sound brings about the same reaction as when someone scratches their fingernails on the chalkboard or when somebody scrapes their fork on a plate in an aggressive manner.
The way my mom used to call my name was embarrassing and annoying, but it wasn’t the only way my mom embarrassed me as a teenager. My mom was also a substitute teacher when I was in high school and she was known around the school for having a short temper and being pretty demanding. What kid wouldn’t be embarrassed by their substitute teaching parent?
Parents embarrassing their kids is almost like a rite of passage for the child, and the parent doesn’t even have to plan the embarrassment — it just comes naturally. A dad in Utah recently had a different plan when it came to embarrassing his children. When his daughter wanted to wear shorts he thought were too short he decided to go out on a family outing dressed in way too short shorts as a way of embarrassing his daughter and teaching her how other people view her while she wears her short shorts. I loved that story because it’s something I would do if I had the same problem. I’m not ashamed to admit that I fully plan to embarrass my children when they are teenagers. Some of those embarrassing moments will be planned and some of them will naturally occur due to my just being their parent.
Here are 10 ways I plan to embarrass my children when they’re teenagers:
I never thought it would happen, but I’ve become hooked on social media. Kids these days are growing up with social media and Addie and Vivi will one day have Facebook accounts, Twitter accounts, and Instagram accounts. There’s no way I’m not going to be one of their followers/friends on those social media platforms and you better believe I’m going to be the annoying father who makes weird and slightly off topic comments on their posts/pictures.
There will come a time when Addie and her friends come across me as I’m in my smelly gym clothes. It will either happen in the house as I am coming home from a long run or when I’m picking them up from school after I’ve just spent an hour or two at the gym. Either way, the sleeveless shirt and the overwhelming smell, which one gym member described as warm stale mayonnaise, will certainly embarrass Addie in front of her friends.
We have a family tradition of watching Christmas movies over the weekends leading up to Christmas and Addie will have to sit in and watch those movies with us. Watching Jingle All the Way should be embarrassing to everyone watching, but I love watching that show before Christmas and it is sure to embarrass Addie and Vivi when they have to tell their friends they have to hangup so they can watch Jingle All the Way — along with all the other Christmas movies we’ve stocked up on over the years. Add in the Christmas music that begins to play in my car in October and Addie and Vivi will have a bonus round of embarrassment.
I love sneaking weird clothing items into the dressing room when we’re at the store trying to get me some new clothes. Once I’ve put the clothes on, I’ll open the door and put on a silent performance for my wife. One of these days in the future I’ll buy a few pairs of weird funny clothes and I’ll wear them to a few of Addie or Vivi’s school events.
Cell Phone Rules
Addie’s already begging us for a cell phone. Some of her friends already pack their cell phones to school, but there’s no way my kids are going to have cell phones before they go to college. Sure, we’ll have a spare cellphone for dates and other trips with friends to be used for safety purposes, but my kids won’t ever be getting in trouble at school for being that one (or one of the 20) kid who refuses to stop texting in class. My refusal to get them a cellphone will surely cause them great embarrassment.
Just like our abnormal cell phone rules, we have abnormal dating rules as well. Our kids won’t be dating until they’re 16 years old and then they won’t be going on single dates until they’re 18 years old. That’s just the way it’s gonna be. As Willy Robertson said, “I’m super accurate with a crossbow.” Those are my daughters and I’m going to have strict rules in place that will embarrass my teenage children.
There will come a time when Addie and Vivi have their little teenage friends over before they’ve finished their daily chores. Those chores could range anywhere from mowing the lawn to cleaning the bathroom, to cleaning their rooms. Friends over or not, chores get done first even if that means the toilet has to be scrubbed as their friends watch in the background.
Boots and Shorts
I love wearing shorts when I’m home and I’m not going to put long pants on while at home unless it is absolutely necessary. That goes for the winter season just as much as it does on the summer season. It’s pretty common to see me out in the yard mowing the grass while wearing basketball shorts and my old steel toed leather boots from the oil field, or shoveling the snow in the driveway wearing the same attire. Addie and Vivi seeing their father wearing that getup in front of their friends will cause some embarrassment.
My mom used to jam out to Celine Dion in the car. She’d sing a long with the Celine and it didn’t matter who was in the car with us. I’m sure in the future I’ll be listening to some Mumford & Sons, Collective Soul, or Live in the car while Addie and Vivi have their friends in the car and the age of the music will embarrass them.
I was on a date with a girl several years ago when her mom decided to walk up some stairs in the house. As her mom touched each step with her foot she let out a loud fart. Fifteen farts later I was really struggling not to burst out laughing, but I was able to hold it in. I looked at my girlfriend and her face was red with embarrassment. We don’t let our bodily functions fly freely in this house, but I have a friend who regularly lets his pent up gas loose in our house (not sure what that says about him) and it will happen some day when Addie and Vivi have their friends over to the house the same time my friend is over.