10 Ways My Kids are Trying to Kill Me

Alright, obviously my kids aren’t really trying to kill me, but considering some of the obstacles they’ve set up in my house over the past month I’m starting to wonder if that’s really true. It’s a given that kids don’t always think about how their actions affect other people. The classic example of the roller skate left on the stairs for an unsuspecting mom or dad to step on and fall to their untimely end comes to mind. We’ve never actually had to deal with the roller skate on the stairs, likely because roller skates were left back in the ’80s where they belong, but we have dealt with other obstacles nearly as dangerous.

The only specific instance I can remember where I would have sent the same scare into my parents was when I handed my dad a knife by shoving the blade part at him first. Whoops. Oh, that brings another memory to mind. There was that time when I had the BB gun out for target practice when I was only 8 or 9 years old and I wasn’t always careful about where I was pointing the gun. Then my siblings and I each have a story where my dad took us fishing and as we went to cast our hooks into the lake we accidentally hooked our dad and then tried to cast him into the lake right along with the hook. So, I guess there are more of those stories than I thought.

My kids are the same way, only some of the ways they are trying to kill me are rather unique.  So, here are the 10 ways my kids are trying to kill me:

  • 10 Ways My Kids are Trying to Kill Me 1 of 11

    Click through to read the 10 ways my kids are trying to kill me:

  • The Pointy Rake 2 of 11

    My kids have a garden rake. It's pink and it's made of hard plastic, but the thing is strong.  I know since I've backed over it tongs up about a half a dozen times.  The rake used to mysteriously end up tongs up just behind the back tires of my car and each time I ran over it it sounded like my tires were being gashed open. When the rake failed at gashing open my tires, the rake started appearing buried in the grass, again with its tongs pointed up. I can't help but wonder if the rake is purposely buried in the grass with the hopes that I'll either step or fall on it, or mow over it and have the shards shoot out at my face.

    Photo Credit: Flickr

  • Let the Beads Hit the Floor 3 of 11

    About six months ago Casey made the mistake of buying Addie about 1,000 little beads that can be individually placed on a little board and then ironed into some shape. Addie hasn't done much ironing with the beads, but she has done a lot of spreading the beads out on our hard wood floors for me to slip on as I walk around in our house.

    Photo Credit: Flickr

  • The Hidden Bowl 4 of 11

    The other night as I was walking though our loft towards my bedroom I stepped on a blanket and nearly broke my ankle. Hidden under the blanket was a small plastic bowl from IKEA arranged under the blanket so it could not be seen. One bowl could just be an accident, but multiple bowls hidden under the blanket spread out throughout the pathway is not a coincidence. 

    Photo Credit: Flickr

  • Markers on the Stairs 5 of 11

    These kids of mine love to play with markers and we have a lot of markers. The only problem is that when my kids are done playing with the markers they don't put them away. They load them up into the little plastic bin where they go and then set the bin on the stairs. The bin doesn't get pushed up against one of the walls so that it's as out of the way as possible. No, the bin is set nearly on the 1/3 mark of that particular stair and little towels are usually placed on one end so that the bin isn't as noticeable to passersby as it should be. I've stepped on the bin coming down the stairs on more than one occasion.  So far I'm still alive, but who knows how much longer that will last.

  • The Scare 6 of 11

    The other night while Casey was in another state and both my kids had been in bed for at least an hour, I was sitting on my couch with my headphones covering my ears and my laptop on my lap with a football game playing on the screen.  On the wall was another football game playing on my TV. I was deeply immersed in the football games when I felt someone tapping on my shoulder from behind me.  In my mind I thought, no way something just tapped me, it's just in my imagination . . . nope, holy sh#$ this is really happening. I jumped and turned around and saw Addie staring at me. CREEPY. I'm getting older and soon my heart won't be able to take such scares. By the way, Casey and I have always thought that stupid bird in the picture is the creepiest thing in our house.

  • Legos 7 of 11

    Addie loves playing with Legos and I love that she plays with Legos, but I don't appreciate stepping on the tiny houses and other sharp buildings she creates before bed and sets up on her floor for me to walk on when I wake her up in the morning in the dark to get ready for school.

  • Child’s Chair 8 of 11

    This little chair in the picture has a place where it belongs in our house. That place is in a nice little corner where it is out of the way of the grownups.  Why it seems to end up right in the middle of the hallway to my bedroom is beyond me, but every time I'm surprised by its presence I only realize the chair is not where it belongs after I pick my self up off the floor after doing a full somersault from tripping over the little chair.

  • ROCKS!!! 9 of 11

    This is one of the more unique ways my kids have tried to kill me.  About a month ago Vivi started picking up a rocks here and there as she was out and about on trips with us.  She'd stick the rocks in her pocket and then at some point when we got home she'd get the rocks out of her pocket and she'd relocate the rocks somewhere in our house until eventually she took all of the rocks and spread them out in the hallway before my bedroom.  One night I asked Casey why it felt like I was walking barefoot down a gravel driveway each time I wanted to go to my bedroom.

  • Bathtub Slip’n Slide 10 of 11

    On more than one occasion I've stepped into the bathtub and nearly slipped and fallen on some kind of slippery substance.  Vivi loves to take Casey's shaving cream or conditioner and spray it all over the bottom of the tub.  She doesn't leave it in big clumps where I can see the obstacle.  No, she spreads it out into a nice slippery sheet of lets see how hard dad can hit the bathtub floor.

  • Stairs 11 of 11

    The bed in our guest bedroom has a set of wooden stairs that goes with the bed.  Addie has moved that set of wooden stairs into a place in the bedroom where the stairs must be climbed over backwards in order to get to the closet in the room.  There's no other way around.  Every time I'm surprised as I step onto the stairs and find little sharp toys that have been neatly arranged on the stairs for an extra ouch in the obstacle.

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