Ahhhh….Memorial Day Weekend.
Nothing says,”Summer is here!” like the final days of May. ( I don’t care what the calendar says.) People begin to flock to campgrounds and lakes and state parks and, best of all, beaches.
Starting this weekend, Moms and Dads everywhere will be shoving one last cooler into the back of the minivan and strapping one last bike to the back of the RV (That makes 5 bikes! Is that safe?) as they round up the hyper-excited kids and pile into the vehicle for the long hot ride to America’s favorite summer time destination by the sea.
People love the beach for a lot of reasons, I guess: the sun, the surf, the lazy days of laying around doing nothing but wandering into the lapping waves and then wandering back to your beach blanket and your big Barnes and Noble bag of juice boxes and suntan lotion and Bugles and Funions. It’s a time for us hard-working citizens, tethered to our kids by responsibility and duty, to let a little air out of our ever-running sails and to sit our fat asses down in the great outdoors for just a few days.
Of course, no matter how much we plan our family trips to the seashore, no matter ho detailed and precise we are with our visions of how our vacation should go, something always goes wrong, huh?
These days, I just accept it as fact. When I get to the shore, one of my kids is going to get bit by a rabid horseshoe crab and my wife is going to get sand in her eye that lasts six straight days and me….I’m going to get yelled at by a teenage lifeguard less than half my age as he blows his whistle at me and points at me and has the whole damn beach staring at me while he makes overzealous hand gestures telling me to get away from the jetty that is a hundred yards away from me and I am standing in ankle-deep foam.
Nowadays, I just relax and let the salty air blow right through me and laugh.
Because the beach is a really really funny place.
And here are the pictures to prove it.
Epic Beach Fails 1 of 21
Click through for the hilarity!
Beach Camping 2 of 21
Beach camping sounds so cool, huh? Bonfires, gorgeous kids wrapped in warm blankets and smiling, gorgeous adults sipping nice glasses of wine and giving you the flirt eye...it all seems too good to be true. And it is.
Embrace the Weirdness 3 of 21
Let's face it, kids go bonkers at the sight of the ocean and their excitement level goes through the sky. So, whatever you do, don't try and hold them back. It won't work.
Pool People 4 of 21
Even if your kids freaking beg you to bring their new Walmart backyard 'swimming pool' to the beach, for God's sakes, don't do it.
Is That A Porpoise? 5 of 21
Know your beach resorts, people. Avoid military hotbeds.
Wow. Just…Wow. 6 of 21
Feel free to have fun in the sand and all, but also remember that all around you strangers are taking pictures. You don't wanna use up your 15 Minutes of Fame as a viral legend now, do ya?
Oh No You Didn’t! 7 of 21
Listen, Sasquatch. Don't let the kids see this picture. Because if they do, they are going to insist that Dad does this with his chest hair, too. And believe me, you probably won't want to be that guy out there on the sand.
Vacation Over 8 of 21
"Honey, relax! I'm just going to pull us right up to that wonderful little ice cream shack down by the lifeguard stand! The kids will love it!"
Beached Whale 9 of 21
Fine, fine. We get it. Between work and running the kids to Little League and homework help and the bowling team, you haven't really been able to hit the gym lately/ever. Just, whatever you do, try not to pop all over everybody.
Papa Was A Seaweed Monster 10 of 21
To be honest, this hardly qualifies as any kind of a 'fail', you know what I mean? Instead, it's actually something incredibly AWESOME! So, I just had to include it. Memo to All Dads Everywhere: If you can possibly pull this off, with your kids...or with stranger's kid's on the beach, do it!
Tanning For Beginners 11 of 21
Hello class and welcome to Tanning For Beginners. Today's first lesson is this: When you chase the kids into the waves and finally fall asleep on the beach, do not leave half of your pale milky body underneath a blanket or a towel. Okay? Okay. Class dismissed.
Beach Tip 12 of 21
Here's a simple seashore tip. Take as may pictures as you possibly can. Why? Because super epic shots of major beach fails are just waiting to be captured. Also...watch where you're running.
Notice The ‘Signs’ 13 of 21
If you and your family are on a certain beach one summer afternoon enjoying the sunshine and the warm breeze and then from out of nowhere a plane crashes down not far away, take it as a sign. And tomorrow, go somewhere else, like maybe the mountains.
Tropical WTF?! 14 of 21
Beaches and jets don't always go together, but when they do they are unbelievably insane. Hold on to your Tiki drinks and your kids! (not necessarily in that order)
If the Chair Fits, Wear It! 15 of 21
Listen, some of us dads like to try and save a little scratch and so we use the same beach chair we bought for Senior Week in 1990. But yeah, it has it's downsides.
Beach of Horrors 16 of 21
Wow, ever since word got out that Jennifer Aniston swims here Malibu just sucks.
Weather Schmether 17 of 21
You're on vacation. Don't be afraid of a little weather.
Gull For It 18 of 21
Feed those birds, man. You know you want to; you know you NEED to! Sure, your kids will miss you, but what a way to
Don’t Be Cheap 19 of 21
Spring for a raft for the kids. Or some boogie boards. And get yourself a real life preserver if you need one, buddy.
Let Santa Chill! 20 of 21
Dude, Santa didn't miss your house on Christmas Eve, did he? Hell no he didn't! So let the guy just relax in his favorite orange plastic deck chair, will ya? If the kids need to say hello...that's fine. But you should know better.
Expect The Unexpected 21 of 21
Enjoy the beach, people. But keep an eye on the kiddos...you never know just what might happen next out there.