Mother’s Day is nearly upon us again, time to consider what to get that most special of ladies in your life.
Now, sometimes you might end up buying gifts for TWO moms, since you have your ‘regular’ mom to remember as well as your ‘baby mama’, right?
Two very different women with two very different paths in life: it can so get confusing and overwhelming trying to find that perfect present that says, “I really love you!” But don’t worry, I’m not going to try and dip my toe in that pond, buddy. You’re the only one who knows the moms in your life the way you do, so any outside ideas for what to get them for a day as huge as Mother’s Day from the likes of me just seems ridiculous.
However, I believe I might still be of service to you.
Well, check it out; I think I have stumbled upon a list of the things that actually exist in this world that no matter how dire or desperate your shopping situation becomes you must NEVER EVER purchase and give to any woman for Mother’s Day.
So sit back, amigo, and enjoy the comical fruits of my labor. You certainly won’t come away with any new ideas for gifts that will fly…but you will definitely see the ones to be avoided at all costs for the rest of your life.
New Item 1 of 16
Click through to see them all (you know you want to!)...
Fish-Flops 2 of 16
Let's jump right in, shall we? Most moms simply love nice footwear, there's no question about that. But nice footwear does not include tuna shoes.
Mom, The End is Nigh 3 of 16
Yeah, I know, being a Doomsday Prepper and waiting around for the end of the world is all the rage these days, but c'mon. Even if your mom is storing jars of peaches and ammo down in the basement, please don't think she needs this bra that doubles as a gas mask...because she doesn't.
Oh No You Didn’t 4 of 16
Chocolate-covered stuff will be a small side theme today. I mean, all moms love chocolate. And lots of moms love onions. But listen up, no mom has ever or will ever love a chocolate-covered onion. Now, mother-in-laws? That's a different story, I suppose.
Don’t Do It 5 of 16
Okay okay, so the mother in your life is a great pet lover and you want to maybe show her that you love that side of her? This is not the answer.
Bacon is Not a Flower 6 of 16
Nowadays everyone loves bacon. People can't say enough about bacon. We pant up to the highest hilltops just so we can holler down onto the village that no one could possibly like bacon as much as we like it. Whatever. I like bacon, you like bacon. Moms dig bacon. But buy her this candle and you will quickly see that even bacon has its limits, Porky Pig.
I Dare You 7 of 16
Go ahead, I dare you. Get this for your baby mama or your mom for Mother's Day. Then send us a picture of you and whatever other half-dozen people end up in it together. Love is a wonderful thing, but still...
Oh the Horror! 8 of 16
So dear old Mom loves to sit back, watch a little NASCAR on the tube, and dig in to a big old plate of hot wings, huh? Word to the wise: don't overestimate her passion for finger foods, dude.
The Answer Here is No! 9 of 16
If you ever a) find yourself wandering around an eclectic outdoor market and b) come across these very odd change purse/key chains formerly known as toads and c) start wondering whether or not Mom might really find this cute or interesting, please allow me to save you the trouble of purchasing the worst gift of all time by telling you the answer. The answer is no, she will not like it.
You Are Not Your Mother 10 of 16
It is of the utmost importance when shopping for that special one-of-a-kind Mother's Day gift to always keep in mind that you are NOT your mother. And that no self-respecting human would eat some of the things that you put into your body, such as these chocolate-covered Slim Jims.
(SIDE NOTE: I would, but I ain't your mama either.)
It’s Like Buying Her a Headstone 11 of 16
When you give your Mom this wonderful device that allows her to mount her computer to her steering wheel, she will finally be able to type and drive just like the rest of the idiotic world. And then shortly after that... she will be gone for good.
Lonesome Mum 12 of 16
Hmmm, maybe Mom would like this pillow shaped like a big strong man, huh? For God's sakes, sir! That is not for you to decide!
Onesie? None-sie! 13 of 16
Puh-leeze. Spare your baby. Spare your baby mama.
Don’t Get Clever 14 of 16
Listen Sparky, everyone knows you have that wicked sense of humor and all, but don't try and get clever this Mother's Day. If you have to get her a mug, stick with the 'World's Best Mom' ones, okay?
Chocolate-Covered Fail 15 of 16
Also, just so you know...somewhere out there it is very possible to purchase chocolate-covered jalapenos for a Mother's Day gift she will never forget. Please don't be the guy who made that epic mistake.
Still Need An Idea? 16 of 16
I hope I have helped you out a little here today, but just in case you are still as bewildered as ever about what to get that hard-working hard-loving Mom in your life, let me leave you with a picture worth a thousand words. Good luck!