The Dog House: I Cuddle Dumped My Wife

bedHas anyone ever been accused of cuddle dumping before? I had never heard of such a thing until my wife accused me of cuddle dumping her last weekend.

The weather in Indiana has been pretty crazy over the past month. One week it rises into the 60s and I’m left wondering if we have to move to Montana so I don’t get cheated out of my beloved cold winter months, and the next week it sinks down into the low teens with a wind chill factor that drops the temperature into the negatives, which leaves me wondering if we need to move to Montana so I can get away from this crappy humid cold.

This last week was one of those weeks. The temperature rose to 69 degrees one day and then three days later I woke up in the morning and my car’s thermometer read 3 degrees. That’s pretty cold for Indiana, and that makes it feel even colder inside our house.

We’ve always kept the temperature in the house around 62 degrees over the winter months. Some people think that’s way too cold, but I say that’s why people invented sweatshirts. Who can afford to run their heater to keep the house at a balmy 73 degrees these days? I guess I should phrase that differently. Who thinks it’s worth spending the extra money to keep their house at a balmy 73 degrees during the winter rather than grabbing a sweatshirt?

The only problem with our cold house in the winter is that Casey doesn’t sleep well. It doesn’t matter how many blankets she piles on herself, she can’t get enough warmth in our bed when it’s cold outside. I can usually tell how cold it is outside by how close Casey is to me in the night. The colder it gets in the night, the more and more she gravitates to my designated 10 inches of the bed.

The other night it got pretty cold outside and Casey started the night on my side of the bed.  She crawled up in my nook (what she calls my right shoulder) and she fell asleep.  Thirty minutes later I rolled over onto my left side thinking Casey would then slide back over towards her side of the bed a bit. Nope. Didn’t happen. She rolled over onto her left side too and she leaned up against me. My designated 10 inches of the bed had quickly bed reduced to about 8 inches of bed, and I couldn’t move at all without being forced off.

About an hour passed and Casey didn’t move. She was in a deep sleep and her body was jumping about every 6 seconds. This made sleep for me almost impossible. Plus, the position I was in was causing my bad back to hurt and the only way to relieve that pain was to move.

Realizing that Casey wasn’t going to move I came up with a plan. I got up and pretended like I needed to go to the bathroom. When I came back out of the bathroom Casey had slid over into the middle of the bed and I was able to go to sleep.

Casey asked me about it the next day, and it slipped out that I didn’t really need to go to the bathroom. She’s pretty upset. She accused me of cuddle dumping her and refuses to sleep within two feet of me now.

I’m not sure there was anything else I could have done. A guy’s gotta sleep. Ultimately, I’ve decided this is one of those marriage things where I have to just toss my hands in the air and realize I’ll never win at some things.

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