The Most Difficult Moment: 10 Reasons Why I Decided Not to Get Divorced

marriage11Three and a half years ago my marriage was on the brink of being over. Casey and I both knew that our problems had probably progressed past the point of no return. A few hours after Casey pulled me aside on that terrible Sunday to tell me that she was leaving for good, I believed my marriage was over and that the right decision was to say goodbye and go our separate ways.

It wasn’t a belief that I formed out of convenience. Divorcing the woman I loved wasn’t something I considered to be convenient or easy. It was a gut wrenching thought that left me shocked and stunned, and I only considered it once I realized it was probably my last possible option.

That moment on that Sunday is now one of the most significant moments of my marriage. Everything came down to that moment. Would we continue to live together in Indiana? Would we go through with the closing on our house the following week? Would Addie live with me or would she head to Utah with Casey? Would I stay in Indiana or retreat back to Utah and start over? Would we have another child as we had planned? All of those answers hinged on that one moment.

Obviously, our marriage wasn’t over because here we are happier than we have ever been before. I made my decision to make our marriage work after a lot of thought and prayer and, Casey did the same. Here are the main reasons why I decided to give my marriage another chance:

  • Addie 1 of 10
    As Casey and I struggled through that moment, Addie was at the forefront of my mind. If Casey and I divorced nothing would be the same. Addie loved us both and loved spending time with both of us and she's a very emotional child, and separating our family was going to do damage to her. Plus the whole Utah and Indiana dynamic was only going to make it worse. I had passed the bar in Indiana, not Utah, but without me Casey had nothing tying her to Indiana. She was definitely going to be heading back to Utah with or without Addie. Either way, that would have devastated Addie.
  • Could I be Happy? 2 of 10
    Could I be Happy?
    Having watched other married couples struggle making the same decision, it was easy for me to believe that those parents needed to stick it out for the sake of their children. In reality that reasoning doesn't always provide the right answer. As I sat there and thought about how this would affect Addie, I couldn't help but wonder how it was going to affect me. Could I really live with myself if I tossed any chance I had at happiness in the future away so that Addie didn't have to have divorced parents? If I couldn't be happy the marriage wasn't going to work, but in the end I thought I could eventually be happy.
  • Could Casey be Happy? 3 of 10
    Could Casey be Happy?
    Staying in a marriage just to make Addie happy wasn't just going to be unfair to me, it was going to be unfair to Casey too. After all we had been through I still deeply loved that lady and I wanted her to be happy. I made dumb mistakes in the past, but almost all of those mistakes were centered around my desire to provide her with a better life. Deciding to stay in a marriage where I wasn't going to be happy wasn't going to let Casey be happy either. All of the things she struggled with before that Sunday would still be there and we'd be right back on the path towards divorce. But because I thought I could be happy I believed Casey could eventually be happy too.
  • Can Someone Change? 4 of 10
    Can Someone Change?
    I wondered if I really could change. I had promised Casey that I would show her I loved her every day for the rest of my life. On the surface it seems like an easy task, but marriage isn't easy. Sometimes we're grumpy and sometimes for whatever reason we don't want to show that love or don't have the time or patience to show that love. If I was going to recommit to our marriage there would be no third chances. In the end I decided it was something I could do and that it was something I had to do because Casey deserved it.
  • Comfort 5 of 10
    I'm a really good sleeper. I can sleep in pretty much any location regardless of what's going on around me. But I can't fall asleep when Casey's gone. Having her in the bed with me brings me a feeling of comfort. It means my world is okay because I have my best friend next to me. So when she's gone that comfort isn't there and I'm left tossing and turning all night each night until she returns from wherever she's been. Ending our marriage would eliminate that feeling of comfort. My world wouldn't be alright without her sleeping in the bed at night next to me.
  • Familiarity 6 of 10
    Casey and I understand each other better than anyone else could. I could recognize the stages of her depression. I could recognize when she was feeling anxious. I could recognize when she was truly happy and when she was happy simply because of a chemical imbalance, and she knew almost everything about me. She knew how much I hated social situations and she understood all my weird quirks. We had a system down and I didn't want to lose that.
  • Lupron 7 of 10
    Three months before that Sunday Casey began taking Lupron shots to help her with infertility issues. She badly wanted another child and had undergone a surgery for PCOS. Before the surgery she spent many months doing whatever she could to try to figure out why she couldn't get pregnant. Having another child was so important to her. When she came out of that surgery she sobbed and cried for me to be near her. There was love there and that love seemed to evaporate a week or two after she began taking those Lupron shots. Her desire to have more kids completely disappeared during that same time frame. Lupron was definitely one of the main culprits in how we ended up having the divorce conversation. It would have been wrong to decide to get divorced while Casey was still under the influence of Lupron.
  • My Best Friend 8 of 10
    My Best Friend
    Casey was my best friend. There wasn't another person I wanted to spend time with more than Casey. When we were together we had fun together. We had our fights every now and then, but we were mostly happy while we were with each other, and I didn't want to lose my best friend.
  • Marriage was a Commitment 9 of 10
    Marriage was a Commitment
    We had made a commitment when we got married. We had read our vows and we had received advice from the bishop who married us, but we had made our own commitment before our wedding day came and we repeated that vow as if it were the motto of our marriage. We had decided that divorce would never be an option. Our marriage was going to be the most important thing in our lives and that meant we had to sacrifice whatever we had to sacrifice to make it work. Giving up in that moment wasn't the right decision.
  • The Lady 10 of 10
    The Lady
    What finally tipped me over the edge and made me want to fight for our marriage was Casey. This woman who I found at the Frederick's of Hollywood was so special. So many people looked up to her and so many people told me how lucky I was that she was mine and that I got to spend every day with her. It made me realize how dumb I had been in the past. People wanted her to be a part of their lives and there I was wondering if I wanted her out of my life. The answer was obvious. Casey was special and it didn't matter what had happened in the past there was no way I was going to let her go.

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