We all love to celebrate our birthdays by poppin’ bottles of bubbly — but Theresa Rowley of Grand Rapids, Michigan, who just turned 104 on January 1, says the secret to how long she’s lived is poppin’ cans of Diet Coke. That’s right! You can find Rowley in da’ club at Sentinel Pointe Retirement Community drinking at least one can full a’ bub a day.
“I drink it because I like it,” the centenarian told WZZM. “I’m going shopping Wednesday, and I need more Diet Coke. I have a bag full of empty Diet Coke cans that I need to return to buy more Diet Coke.”
While some doctors would argue that there are no health benefits to a habit of drinking sugary beverages, we know that everything is okay in moderation. The 104-year old, who didn’t even start drinking her favorite brown good until she was 68, BECAUSE IT DIDN’T EXIST UNTIL THEN, has no plans to cut back.
“When I was 100, I thought I’d never be 104,” she said. “Then I turn 101, and nothing happens … Here I am 104, and still nothing happens.”
HEY GIRLFRIEND, IF IT AIN’T BROKE, DON’T FIX IT.
And certainly, a Diet Coke a day is not the weirdest secret to longevity we’ve heard of.
French woman Jeanne Calment, who holds the record for having been the world’s oldest person at 122 years old, told the New York Times in 1997 that she used to eat more than two pounds of chocolate a week. DAMN GIRL! BRB, I gotta’ run to CVS for 3000 Hershey’s with Almonds bars.
Bacon is rumored to be another life-extending secret on the centenarian circuit. According to The Huffington Post, Susannah Mushatt Jones, who died less than two months shy of her 117th birthday, accredited her long life to eating the delicious breakfast food. Aides in her Brooklyn retirement home told the news outlet that she’d “eat bacon all day long.” YAASS KWEEN, GET AFTER IT! And Pearl Cantrell who died at the age of 105 was such a fan of the fatty meat that Oscar Meyer sent one of its famous Weinermobiles to deliver some to her home. Not for nothing … I think most of us would mark our lives as well lived if we could say a giant weiner truck was once parked in our driveway, amirite?
Food and drink aren’t the only things that long-lifers say will extend your days. In 2015, Scotland’s 109-year old Jessie Gallan told The Daily Mail that her secret to a long life was AVOIDING MEN. Gallan told the newspaper that “they’re just more trouble than they’re worth.”
Maybe it’d serve all of us well to take a page from the tomes of these lovely, long-lifed ladies and start actually living a little. Soda, chocolate, bacon, and staying a single lady for life? These are some life-altering habits a girl could get used to.