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18 Oscar® Red Carpet Looks Judged by a 9-Year-Old

For the very first time, my daughter watched all three hours of the Academy Awards® last night. She didn’t know the movies (except, of course, Big Hero 6), she didn’t know the actors (except Anna Kendrick — she loved Into the Woods), and she didn’t know 90% of the references (“Why is that guy in his underwear?”). But what she lacked in opinions on the acting, scripts, and editing she made up for with her opinions on what the stars were wearing. Check out her critiques of these Oscar® red carpet looks. You won’t be disappointed.

1. Scarlett Johansson

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“She looks like a piece of asparagus!”

2. Reese Witherspoon

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“It looks like a Mondrian painting! But it’s not finished; they need to add in the yellow, red, and blue.”

(Note: she studied his work in kindergarten.)

3. Laura Dern

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“She looks like a metal box that you’d find in a science lab that holds something dangerous.”

4. Lupita Nyong’

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“Wow. That’s a lot of beads! How can she stand up wearing something like that? It looks so heavy! The dress looks like a really pretty vase.”

5. Kerry Washington

attends the 87th Annual Academy Awards at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 22, 2015 in Hollywood, California.
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“This dress looks like a vase, too! What’s up with all the vase dresses?!”

6. Felicity Jones

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“She’s like a really fancy seashell — Princess Seashell!”

7. Nicole Kidman

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“She looks like a piece of taffy with a red wrapper.”

8. Anna Kendrick

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“She’s like a very serious salmon. A lawyer salmon!”

9. Jennifer Lopez

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“That’s the longest dress I’ve ever seen! How can she sit in that?”

10. Emma Stone

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“No one else is wearing this color so that makes it really cool, and she stands out. The color and pattern looks like a mowed lawn decorated with crop circles.”

11. Naomi Watts

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“Her dress looks like the tiles in our bathroom! Weird!”

12. Julianne Moore

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“Her dress looks like it’s made from grains of rice with pieces of sushi all over it.”

13. Zoe Saldana

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“This dress is ALL about shapes — lines, triangles, and curves.”

14. Rosamund Pike

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“She looks like a Red Vine. I’m not a fan of licorice but she looks pretty.”

15. Jessica Chastain

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“It looks like she couldn’t decide on just one dress and wore two instead.”

16. Dakota Johnson

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“The dress is just too straight and it looks like she has two purses — one in her hand and one on her shoulder.”

17. Marion Cotillard

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“She looks like Princess Leia but she tore off the long sleeves. And instead of fabric, her dress is made of bubble wrap.”

18. Cate Blanchett

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“Wow. That dress is black — like blacker than black. I’m glad she wore that bright necklace, though. If she wore a black necklace you wouldn’t be able to see it. It would disappear, like in a black hole.”

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