When the 50 Shades of Grey books first came out, you better bet we covertly downloaded them to our Kindle and fantasized of nights in the infamous red room of pain. We put up with the terrible writing in order to see if Ana could melt the cold, dominant heart of Mr. Grey. But that was B.K. — Before Kids. Two kids and four sleep-deprived years later, our priorities changed — and so have our fantasies. Nowadays, our biggest guilty pleasure is spending an extra 10 minutes in the bathroom trying to reach the next level of Candy Crush. ‘Tis a sad, sad life when Mr. Grey’s toned abs ain’t got nothing on a sale on toilet paper at Target.
So while our childless friends are headed to theaters this weekend to see Ana and Christian get. it. on., we won’t be partaking in the movie madness. Here’s what we’ll be doing instead.