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9 Things We’re Doing This Weekend Instead of Watching 50 Shades of Grey

image source: Youtube
image source: Youtube

When the 50 Shades of Grey books first came out, you better bet we covertly downloaded them to our Kindle and fantasized of nights in the infamous red room of pain. We put up with the terrible writing in order to see if Ana could melt the cold, dominant heart of Mr. Grey. But that was B.K. — Before Kids. Two kids and four sleep-deprived years later, our priorities changed — and so have our fantasies. Nowadays, our biggest guilty pleasure is spending an extra 10 minutes in the bathroom trying to reach the next level of Candy Crush. ‘Tis a sad, sad life when Mr. Grey’s toned abs ain’t got nothing on a sale on toilet paper at Target.

So while our childless friends are headed to theaters this weekend to see Ana and Christian get. it. on., we won’t be partaking in the movie madness. Here’s what we’ll be doing instead.

1. While they’re watching Ana research the ins and outs of BDSM, we’ll be researching how to get marker drawings off our dining room table.

2. While they’re watching Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson’s questionable on-screen chemistry, we’ll be “helping” our son with his first grade science project.

3. While they’re watching Ana contemplate signing her relationship contract, we’ll be at New York Sports Club trying to get out of our unused gym membership.

4. While they’re inhaling popcorn and watching a shirtless Jamie Dornan (yum!), we’ll be inhaling popcorn while watching a pants-less SpongeBob.

5. While they’re watching Ana enjoy a candlelit dinner followed by some fun in Christian’s “playroom,” we’ll be watching the latest Bachelor episode with a slice of leftover pizza followed by the nightly playroom pick-up.

6. While they’re watching Christian disciplining Ana for disobeying him, we’ll be sending our toddler to time out for playing in the litter box … again.

7. While they’re enjoying the red room of pain, we’ll be seeing red as we try (and fail) to dodge Legos in the night.

8. While they’re watching Christian tie up and blindfold Ana, we’ll be watching 13 blindfolded kids attempt to smack a piñata.

9. While they’re watching Christian and Ana soar through the air in Charlie Tango, we’ll be watching tee balls fall to the ground at our daughter’s Little League practice.

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Article Posted 5 years Ago

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