The 6 Emotional Stages of Learning About Anna Faris and Chris Pratt’s Separation

I awoke this morning to a barrage of texts, Facebook messages, and news alerts all telling me the same horrible news — Anna Faris and Chris Pratt are separating.

The couple released statements via Twitter late last night explaining that while they “tried for a long time” and “still love each other,” it was time for them to go their separate ways after 8 years of marriage:

While I don’t exactly have a dog in this race (I’ve never met either of them, though I’m 100% confident that they are lovely based on Ellen interviews), I’m emotionally attached to this couple. Throughout their relationship they’ve shown us how, well, perfect they are for each other.

I mean, on an April 2015 episode of The Late Late Show with James Corden Faris herself said: “I had a bug collection. Dead bugs, humanely harvested. When Chris and I first started dating, he invited me over to his apartment and he had, also, a dead bug collection. … I started to cry.”

For Chris’ part, he opened up in an AMA on Reddit the same month saying: “Anna and I are meant to be together. Our relationship has made me believe in divine intervention and destiny.”

If that’s not love I don’t know what is. But now … now I don’t know what to do with myself. I must grieve. And in the 6 hours since I learned of the news, this has been my experience so far. Who else is with me?

Stage 1: Extreme levels of denial

Nope, nope, nope. This has to be a joke, right? Or maybe I’m so tired that I dreamt this. Yeah, I’ll just go back to sleep for a bit longer and when I wake up, it will all be a bad dream.

Stage 2: Total and utter disbelief

Wait WTF, this wasn’t a joke?! Is it April? What month is it? Damn, it’s August. Kind of weird for a belated joke. I think this might be for real.

Stage 3: Slightly irrational anger

I’m still reeling from Brad and Jenn’s divorce and that was 12 years, two marriages, and one separation ago. Love is dead. Everyone gets divorced. Why even bother? Goldie and Kurt have had it right all along.

Stage 4: Just straight-up, run-of-the-mill depression

I started eating my feelings the moment I came into work. The office chocolate stash didn’t stand a chance. Cookies for breakfast? Who’s to judge me? YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE, SUSAN. I’m in mourning. We should ALL be in mourning.

Stage 5: Blind optimism

Wait a minute … it’s a legal separation. No one has filed for divorce yet. There’s still hope that they could pull a Patrick and Jillian Dempsey and reunite!

Stage 6: Prayer


Now, lest you think I’m being ever so slightly dramatic … I’m not alone. Their separation is trending on both Facebook and Twitter and people are feeling all the feelings right along with me:

Someone do me a quick fave and check on John and Chrissy. There’s only so much heartache a girl can take.

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Article Posted 2 years Ago

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