To say Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website Goop is a “bit” out of touch with reality is like saying my 13-year-old “may” have an attitude problem. Each year Goop comes out with their annual gift guide — a suggestion of offerings we can bestow upon friends and family around the holidays to show our love and affection. After you win the lottery. Or rob a bank.
But this year, according to Gwyneth, you can also purchase them “IRL for the first time via the Goop GIFT pop-up shop in L.A.” So like, if you want to hop on your private jet you can totally, like, scoop these up in the flesh.
So, if you feel like splurging this holiday season, or you know, crumbling all of your money into a ball on your coffee table and setting it on fire, here are my top picks for the most jaw-dropping items from Goop’s 2016 Gift Guide.
For the “traveler” in your family, Goop recommends this leather clutch. In all fairness, they say it doubles as an iPad cover. Um, for $700, it better pour me wine and whisper in my ear “your sweatpants are the prettiest in all of Target” until I say “when.”
You can also procure a cashmere blanket for your red-eye flight. Or grab the free one from the overhead since you are on an airplane and not at a $1,400 a night villa in Vail sitting by a fire sipping kombucha from a tea pot made entirely from artisanal cheeses sourced from virgin, non-G.M.O sheep found exclusively in the Highlands of Scotland.
Ultracharger Onewheel, $1,499
Need a gift for that special someone “under 18” in your life? Goop suggests this onewheeler — hailed “this year’s hoverboard.” Because it makes sense to buy a 12-year-old, an age that would actually enjoy it, something that expensive.
If you’re splurging on the onewheel, you might as well chuck in this box set for good measure. Alex, I’ll take “Pretentious future college grad with no actual life skills” for $500, please.
For a more personalized gift, Goop recommends this monogrammed longboard. I’m going to go out on a limb and say you will be the only one in your neighborhood on this contraption. You could probably save the extra cash and skip the monogramming.
You can also buy a personalized gold ring for the best friend in your life. The one shown on their website says “gratitude,” but mine would probably say “broke.”
For the “health nut” in your life, Goop suggests this cleanse as a “healthy way to give the digestive system a break.” I would suggest giving them a head of cauliflower for $2.35 and some Kleenex to dry their tears.
If all these weren’t over the top enough, Goop actually has a special section titled, “The Ridiculous, But Awesome Gift Guide.” There you will find:
Jayson Home Leather Bicycle, $2,995
I hope you hit a pothole.
I actually hope you get eaten by a zombie.
I hope all of your teeth fall out.
My eyes have rolled out of my head and I cannot see to type any more words.
However, I will admit that Gwyneth is speaking to my soul with this travel pick:
I’m traveling with my three kids internationally this Christmas, so perhaps I will splurge on this. You got me there, Gwyneth.
And while there is a section for more “Gifts Under $100,” it is relegated to that of “Stocking Stuffers.” I assume Goop believes if you are going to spend so little on your loved ones, those gifts better fit in a sock.