As the chaos known as morning erupted in my home today, I took a few minutes to gaze in wonder upon the naked selfie Kim Kardashian had posted on Instagram hours earlier.
“Who’s that?!” my daughter wanted to know. “Um, just some mom,” I said, in the understatement of the year.
“Why is she putting up naked pictures?” was her next logical question. “She thinks it’s fun!” I said in the second biggest understatement of the year. Mercifully, Sabrina had to leave for school at that point so I was spared further explanations. But, indeed, the photo sure does raise a whole lot of thoughts. Like:
- Umm, my post-baby body would break the Internet … just not in a good way.
- Also: Any selfie I took of myself the morning after another sleep-deprived night courtesy of my baby would break the Internet, too. Here’s one. So go ahead, Internet, explode.
- She has nothing to wear? Come on lady, us new moms have plenty of options — they’re called “yoga pants.”
- Wish she would have tilted the camera down a bit so I could see her bathroom fixtures.
- And what kind of window treatments are those, anyway? And floor tile? And bathtub?
- Why isn’t there room in my bathroom for a towel cubby?
- I would give a lot of money to be able to have the bathroom to myself for a minute, because the second I use ours my children instinctively know to wail piteously (baby) or bang on the door (11-year-old) with some urgent request like “MOMMY I CAN’T FIND MY STAPLER DO YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS?”
- If I had the bathroom to myself for a minute, I’d take a shower, not a selfie.
- My stomach wasn’t even that flat at my own birth, let alone after my children’s.
- I’d have to put black bars on my belly if I posted it on Instagram.
- Where are all the toys on the floor? The pile of laundry? The ratty bathroom mat? The week-old mug of coffee left on the vanity with curdled milk because she keeps forgetting to take it to the kitchen?
- Wow, that arched ceiling with the beams is really cool. And is that a little TV above the towel cubby?!
- How does any mom find the time to get that hairless?
- How is she going to someday explain these pics to her kids?!