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14 Thoughts I Had When I Saw Kim K’s Naked Bathroom Selfie

As the chaos known as morning erupted in my home today, I took a few minutes to gaze in wonder upon the naked selfie Kim Kardashian had posted on Instagram hours earlier.

“Who’s that?!” my daughter wanted to know. “Um, just some mom,” I said, in the understatement of the year.

“Why is she putting up naked pictures?” was her next logical question. “She thinks it’s fun!” I said in the second biggest understatement of the year. Mercifully, Sabrina had to leave for school at that point so I was spared further explanations. But, indeed, the photo sure does raise a whole lot of thoughts. Like:

  1. Umm, my post-baby body would break the Internet … just not in a good way.
  2. Also: Any selfie I took of myself the morning after another sleep-deprived night courtesy of my baby would break the Internet, too. Here’s one. So go ahead, Internet, explode.

    Image Source: Ellen Seidman
    Image Source: Ellen Seidman
  3. She has nothing to wear? Come on lady, us new moms have plenty of options — they’re called “yoga pants.”
  4. Wish she would have tilted the camera down a bit so I could see her bathroom fixtures.
  5. And what kind of window treatments are those, anyway? And floor tile? And bathtub?
  6. Why isn’t there room in my bathroom for a towel cubby?
  7. I would give a lot of money to be able to have the bathroom to myself for a minute, because the second I use ours my children instinctively know to wail piteously (baby) or bang on the door (11-year-old) with some urgent request like “MOMMY I CAN’T FIND MY STAPLER DO YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS?”
  8. If I had the bathroom to myself for a minute, I’d take a shower, not a selfie.
  9. My stomach wasn’t even that flat at my own birth, let alone after my children’s.
  10. I’d have to put black bars on my belly if I posted it on Instagram.
  11. Where are all the toys on the floor? The pile of laundry? The ratty bathroom mat? The week-old mug of coffee left on the vanity with curdled milk because she keeps forgetting to take it to the kitchen?
  12. Wow, that arched ceiling with the beams is really cool. And is that a little TV above the towel cubby?!
  13. How does any mom find the time to get that hairless?
  14. How is she going to someday explain these pics to her kids?!
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