39 Thoughts I Had While Watching the ‘Married at First Sight’ Wedding Night Episode

Okay, so in case you don’t remember what happened last week on Married at First Sight‘s premiere episode (or the surprise — and super cray — bonus episode that aired right after it), allow me to give you catch you up quickly: Ashley and Anthony got hitched in a big fat Italian wedding; Sheila and Nate tied the knot despite his mom’s fury and both of their dads’ awkward-as-hell dynamic; Danielle and Cody got married and I can’t wait to DVR whatever spin-off show his brother gets; and everyone talked about wedding night sex (with a STRANGER while surrounded by CAMERAS).

So of course I had to tune in this week to watch the couples as they get to know one another, see if they’re compatible, and delve deeper into this journey that could last a lifetime or totally crash and burn. (Plus, I wanted to see who actually had sex on their wedding night — duh!)

Here are (more than) a few thoughts that went through my head while watching …

  1. LOL to Sheila asking “What do married people do?” — um, we put on sweats and sit on the couch in front of the TV while playing on their phones. That’s how we roll.
  2. The right thing to do here would be to give them their wedding night privacy, buuuuut… *leans in closer*
  3. Each couple gets their very own cake? And chocolate covered strawberries?! Marrying a stranger is looking better every minute.
  4. Girl, he is committed to gettin’ that dress off.
  5. Why do hotels think rose petals on beds is sexy? Have these people never woken up with one in their butt crack before? Decidedly. Unsexy.
  6. Nothing like chatting about your angry mother-in-law on the wedding night. So romantic!
  7. Danielle’s tank top is everything I have ever wanted in pajamas.
  8. Okay, I’m feeling like a third wheel now.
  9. Dr. Pepper, in a nutshell: “DIDJA DO IT? HUH? DIDJA? I’M A DOCTOR YOU CAN TELL ME.”
  10. Nobody wears that much eye make-up in the morning. Especially not married people.
  11. I wonder if they all have morning breath or if they snuck out to deal with it before filming.
  12. Passing out because you’re too tired for sex? Yep: they’re married.
  13. Snapping at him because he’s watching you iron while he just sits there? Yep: they’re married.
  15. I haven’t had a Bloody Mary in forever. Should work on that.
  16. Charlie and Angie are already hooking up? **fist pump**
  17. Oh hey, family members pressuring the couple to move as close to them as possible. Sooooo different than every other married couple. Mmm-HM.
  18. Oh Sheila, you should feel nervous about brunch.
  19. Awkwaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrd.
  21. It’s cute that Pastor Calvin thinks that Ashley will keep so much as a single thought about Anthony from her sister.
  22. So far I’ve counted 114 candles in that office. I really hope they have a good insurance policy.
  23. Gee, I wonder what Nate’s most looking forward to on the honeymoon? IT IS SO HARD TO GUESS.
  24. Holy crap: Nate’s dad showing up in the airport feels like a sign of things to come.
  25. Is there a hashtag for Ashley’s hat yet? Because there should be.
  26. Mile High Club! Mile High Club! Mile High Club!
  27. … No? Boooooriiiiiinnng.
  28. Cody and Danielle are so gonna be the first ones to do it.
  29. Rum? Okay, so maybe these two will be first.
  30. Swan towels! Now I know what to leave for my next houseguests.
  31. And so Ashley’s sister comes on the honeymoon with them after all. Yoo-hoo! Are you seeing this, Pastor Calvin?
  32. More swan towels!
  33. I haven’t heard anyone swear yet. Who doesn’t swear when they’re tipsy and traveling? Is that even a thing?
  34. Ugh. I hate eating while sitting on a tall stool.
  35. Aaaaaand Cody’s starting to freak out. Let the honeymooning begin!
  36. I’m craving champagne now.
  37. Dude is not looking at the water, honey. Not. At. All.
  38. Sheila has done literally every move to show Nate that she’s not having sex with him yet, short of putting on a chastity belt RIGHT in front of him.
  39. Oh, next week is SURE to have some nookie. And fights. And me making sure to not miss a minute.

Watch more episodes of Married at First Sight, Season 5 with me on Thursdays at 9/8 Central on Lifetime.

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Article Posted 3 years Ago

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