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49 Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘Married at First Sight,’ Season 5, Episode 14

Last week on Lifetime’s Married at First Sight, we saw Cody open up to Danielle about his grandma, Nate and Sheila get into (yet) another fight, and all three couples meet up for the very first time. It was a good episode and all, but let me tell you: this week BROUGHT IT.

Let’s get to it!

  1. Aaaaaand just in case you thought we hadn’t talked the Cody and Danielle not having sex thing to DEATH already … here we go again!
  2. I have literally never heard more about a person’s nonexistent sex life before. And that includes my own.
  3. Anthony, you need to cool your jets — you haven’t even said “I love you” yet, but you’re throwing a hissy fit over Ashley not wanting to change her name. Maybe wait until Decision Day to start your campaign?
  4. Nate and Sheila’s relationship is like a poorly written daytime soap. And I can’t stop watching.
  5. Anthony’s bedhead returns! YESSSSSS.
  6. I see Ashley and I have the same relationship tactics: Establish dominance by taking up as much space in the bed as possible.
  7. UM, Anthony totally caved on the moving into Ashley’s sister’s building thing! CALLED IT. She’s going to be all up in their biz in 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 …
  8. Oof, if anybody ever set up a swear jar for me, I’d be penniless. And they’d be rich AF.
  9. “I’m ready to go have sex right now.” — Cody sounds like an old IBM computer asking for sex.
  10. Omg where’s Cody? Did he get lost?
  11. There are only so many rooms in a townhouse a person could be.
  12. Maybe he’s pooping, Danielle. Let the man be.
  13. Wait … did Danielle seriously just catch Cody doing what I THINK he was doing?!
  14. Yes, yes she did.
  15. OMG.
  16. OMG.
  17. OMG.
  18. Well, this is embarrassing.
  19. And now Danielle’s zooming in on him in his moment of mortification. He’s never going to live this down.
  20. It’s Dr. Rachel!
  21. Ooo Ashley really hesitated on the “love” question. So let me get this straight: She’s ready to have babies with him next week, but the “L” word still makes her feel weird? Is that pretty much it?
  22. “Do you want Cody to kiss you?” Eeeek. We all know the answer to that one is no, Dr. Rachel.
  23. “It’s killin’ me, man … ” — OK, Cody … you’ve had to go without sex for like, 40 days. So maybe take it down a notch.
  24. I’d really love it if we could stop referring to Sheila’s elusive orgasm as “chocolate.”
  25. This jar game seems fun. Should get awkward pretty fast.
  26. “I like missionary because I get to be closer to you AND I get to be lazy.” — LOL Sheila just basically spoke for every woman ever.
  27. Did Anthony really just compare Ashley having sex to a horse jockey during a race? That’s a visual I wasn’t expecting.
  28. Cooking class! Fun!
  29. There have been so many missed opportunities for “that’s what she said” jokes in this scene.
  30. Oh look, Nate and Sheila are fighting again.
  31. WHAT, Nate doesn’t have a key to his own place?!
  32. WHAT, did Sheila just call him a “b*tch”?!
  33. Ooo what did Nate say about Sheila’s ex?!
  34. This is good. I mean bad. Very bad.
  35. “I’m done with you.” — Man, Sheila always throws DOWN.
  36. Two minutes ago Nate and Sheila were telling Dr. Rachel they were super duper in love, and now they’ve gone all Jerry Springer on each other.
  37. I am literally exhausted by how much Cody talks about sex.
  38. Sheila calling Nate spiteful is a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, no?
  39. Wait, she’s leaving him?!
  40. … And all she packed was a Marshall’s tote?
  41. Oh man, Nate’s crying.
  42. I’m getting emotional.
  43. Ashley and Anthony are going sky diving! They do all the fun stuff.
  44. “I think I have stronger feelings for you than you have for me.” — Oof, I feel like half the time Danielle is wishing Cody would just be more assertive, and then the other half she’s wishing he’d stop pointing out the obvious in a wildly awkward manner.
  45. Oh man, Ashley is a stickler on the whole procrastination thing. Guess we could never be friends.
  46. Nate and Sheila facing off on a basketball court is like a metaphor for their entire relationship.
  47. Wait, did I miss something? What did Nate say that was so cruel and callous?!
  48. “Now I’m going to end the marriage.” — BOOM!
  49. OMG I feel like I need a drink.

Well that was all sorts of cray … BRB, gotta go set my DVR for next week!

Catch more episodes of Married at First Sight Season 5 (and freak out right along with me) on Thursdays at 9/8 Central on Lifetime.

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