68 Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘Married at First Sight: After the Decisions’

Well guys, it’s been a wild ride these last few months — especially in the last week, after being totally sideswiped by that Cody and Danielle shocker. (I’m still recovering.) And now, we’re back for the final episode of Married at First Sight, Season 5 to learn the couples’ true fates. I don’t know about you, but I am FREAKING out.

Did Cody and Danielle finally call it quits over all that not consummating stuff? Did Nate and Sheila finally have one street fight too many? Did the spark between Anthony and Ashley lose its luster once the cameras stopped rolling? (Warning: It better not have because I will LOSE IT.)

Let’s press play …

  1. Ooo Dr. Pepper’s nervous.
  2. I’m a little nervous, too.
  3. Okay, first up: Nate and Sheila.
  4. Nate’s first thought when he saw Sheila on the wedding day: “DAAAAMNNNN.” —
  5. I am loving Nate’s little brother’s apartment tour right now. “We got a PRESIDENTIAL toilet!”
  6. Wondering: What makes a toilet “presidential”?
  7. Seriously, who do we gotta call to get him his own show?
  8. “We have some setbacks in communication.” — That’s certainly putting it lightly, Sheila.
  9. But are you TOGETHERRRRR?
  10. Nate: “There have been some things that have come up along the way that presents a problem … “
  11. Uh-oh.
  12. Oh COME ON, commercial break.
  13. Still married!
  14. “It makes me feel very hurt when I hurt you.” — I mean … but does it, Sheila?
  15. (Sidenote, but what a random room they’re filming this in? Where does one purchase so many giant vases?)
  16. Woahhh Sheila gave up her walk-in dressing room for Nate’s little brother FAST. Guys, this must really be love.
  17. Oh god, here it comes: The chocolate talk.
  18. *Cringing*
  20. “Sex is not a problem. I mean, I could come get you right now.” — Yikes Nate, maybe don’t suggest jumping your wife’s bones in front of three doctors and a room full of cameramen. Just an idea.
  21. Everyone’s blushing.
  22. “I keep trying to find the chocolate factory.” — Omg MAKE IT STOP. This is ruining chocolate for me.
  23. LOL, love the bonus footage of Nate’s father giving yet another prophetic speech: “If ya’ll need anything from me — I mean, other than money, support … “
  24. Nate’s rapping tho … belongs behind closed doors.
  25. Cody’s dancing is equally embarrassing, as well.
  26. Speaking of Codyyyyy … Cody and Danielle are up next! AH.
  27. They had to have split by now. I bet she was just waiting for the cameras to leave to let him down gently.
  28. I mean, how can you stay married to someone you can’t even envision “romantically.”
  29. Watching Cody reminisce is pretty sweet though … I feel like if they split up, he wouldn’t be so chipper right now.
  30. Dr. Pepper: “Is there any romance going on?” — Oh here we go! On to the good stuff.
  31. OMG Cody’s ridiculous bear shirt. I can’t. I’m shocked he didn’t wear it with that DAMN BELT.
  32. “On a scale of 1 to turned on, how turned on are you right now?” — LOL Cody, literally all of America is turned off right now.
  33. These two are laughing like crazy right now! They actually look like they like each other!
  34. Danielle: “My greatest hope for this relationship is that we will both be happy, in whatever that is.” — Ooo, maybe she means happily APART.
  35. Dr. Rachel: “The question everyone wants to know is … have the two of you had sex?” — YES. YES WE DO. THAT IS LITERALLY ALL WE WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW.
  36. Come on, the suspense is killing me!
  38. LOL Dr. Rachel’s eyes right now just opened SO WIDE. As did mine.
  39. OMG I almost forgot we still haven’t even gotten to the “Are you still married?” question yet.
  40. Okay, here it is …
  41. Wait, what.
  44. So let me get this straight … Danielle lived in the same house as Cody for eight weeks straight, basically couldn’t find “that spark” the entire time but stayed married anyway, and now has been married for even longer (seriously — how long has it been? I need a timeline!) and STILL doesn’t feel “romantical” feelings, but is still staying married?
  45. I’m so confused.
  46. How does this even happen?
  47. Dr. Pepper: “Do you want to have sex in your marriage?” LOL, are you really asking Cody this, RN?
  48. I’m totally losing it at Cody talking to Danielle’s dog in the car like he’s one of his buds. (How did I not realize his name was Homie before?)
  49. I will say, Cody DOES deserve a medal for dealing with those dogs. They are a legit handful.
  50. Okay, on to Ashley and Anthony! They’re totally still together. Duh.
  51. Watching them in this night vision footage is equal parts hilarious and terrifying, though.
  52. Anthony: “Every once in a while she’ll bring her mood home with her.” — Oof.
  53. Jeez, Ashley’s finicky house rules sure are making her sound like a DELIGHT right now. (That towel over the shower curtain story is just a wee bit Sleeping with the Enemy, no?)
  54. Okay, let’s just cut to the chase here: Are you together?!
  56. Of course they are.
  57. Dr. Pepper: “It would be totally depressing if [you weren’t].” — My thoughts exactlyyyy.
  58. Ummmm, this glorious bonus footage of Ashley and Anthony fighting in sumo wrestler suits is giving me life right now.
  59. Where can I get me one of those suits?
  60. OMG YOU CAN GET ONE ON AMAZON. ( … sort of.)
  61. Woahhhh that Ashley pregnancy teaser really had me on the edge of my seat for a minute.
  62. Yay, the couples are all together!
  63. Eek to Dr. Rachel asking Cody and Danielle (yet again), “Are you growing in love with one another?”
  64. Yes, love takes time, Cody, but not THAT much time.
  65. “The first time I knew she wasn’t a stranger was when I farted.” — I agree, Anthony. That’s typically how I identify strangers, too.

Aaaaand that’s a wrap, folks! I’m not sure what I’ll be doing with my Thursday nights from now on, but I can honestly say I will miss watching these guys try and figure it all out each week. I will miss Danielle and Cody’s awkwardness with each other. Anthony’s bedhead. Sheila’s street fights. Nate’s little brother popping up out of literally nowhere. And even THAT FREAKIN’ BELT. (JK, no one could ever miss that belt.)

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