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73 Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘Project Runway,’ Season 16, Episode 3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCDLxYfa_tg

Okay, listen up people! With a new cast of models ranging in size from 2 to 22 — and some highly entertaining design contestants — this season of Project Runway can be best summed up in one word so far: Amazeballs.

Seriously, if you aren’t watching yet, you need to be. It’s actual fashion for more than just stick people who have zero chance of accidental side-boob incidents. As a woman who falls within the aforementioned size range, and possesses a figure that has been described (more than once) as good for “living through a colder than average winter,” I love seeing anything that inspires me to move beyond my basic black and boring wardrobe.

Plus, these designers are competing for some pretty awesome stuff this season, like $100,000 to launch their own line and a limited-edition collection with JCPenney. (Personally, I think I’d settle for Tim Gunn’s approval alone, but that’s just me.) I’m about a bajillion weeks pregnant right now, so TBH, my personal style aesthetic is leaning more towards a two-man pup tent right now rather than haute couture, but man do I love seeing what amazing creations and delicious drama comes out of each episode. And last night did not disappoint.

Here’s an unfiltered peak into my internal monologue during last night’s episode (if you dare … ):

  1. Woah, what’s up with these aerial shots? They’re make me dizzy.
  2. Seriously, guys, I’m feeling a little pukey.
  3. How the heck does Heidi rock a circus-looking stripy blazer with such perfection?
  4. … Could I?
  5. No. No I could not. Seriously hard nope.
  6. Tim and Heidi kinda remind you of your parents, Samantha? Really? Your parents are officially WAY cooler than mine then.
  7. This new LEAP movie looks pretty cute … how have I not heard of it?
  8. Oh right, I have two kids and live under a rock.
  9. Innovation! Dance! Movement! One day! — No Pressure. Make it work!
  10. Oh Brandon, I’m not sure how I feel about your little man bun, but I do love YOU!
  11. I would be completely paralyzed by all the options at Mood. Too. Much. Fabulous.
  12. Where is the basic black? Do they even have that?
  13. OMG I love the Mood dog! I hope his name is something fabulous like Taffeta!
  14. I wonder if I could get Tim to come and tell my kids when time is up and they better all get to bed.  He would do that, right?
  15. “Thank you, Mood!” (You know you say it aloud with them, too.)
  16. Goodness, the twins are a hot mess. In related news, they are also my spirit animals.
  17. We know, Kentaro. Classical piano. We know. All the classical.
  18. Oooooo feathers. That never ends badly!
  19. Oh. My. God. Deyonté just skewered his finger. With a sewing machine. DESIGNER DOWN! DESIGNER DOWN! Do they have medics on standby?
  20. Why do they always show the horrifying moments over again? DEAR GOD, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.
  21. Okay, everybody calm down, here comes the medic.
  22. First one to say “no pain, no gain” or “fashion is pain” wins the door prize.
  23. Silk cargo joggers are a thing?
  24. *Quickly Googles*
  25. Hmm … results are inconclusive.
  26. I wonder if I could shave my head like Shawn. It would be sooo much easier to deal with.
  27. Unless my head is lumpy or something.
  28. 100 percent chance my head is lumpy.
  29. Tim throws the most subtle and loving shade ever. It’s like a warm, fluffy blanket of doubt.
  30. I love how Kenya has a fully developed, complete plan — always. I aspire to be this kind of person.
  31. Tim: “You’re thinking too hard.” — Literally me. Always.
  32. I just giggle-snorted at “Pu-Pu platter.” (Will that ever not be funny?)
  33. Amy, I am just gonna be honest: I am so confused by this sweater-as-pants look. If I ever wore a sweater as pants, my kids would look at me like I was 100 percent insane.
  34. Ooohhh. Joggers = sweat pants. So, you’re saying my sweat pants are super fashion-forward, and it’s totally okay that I stay in them for a solid three-day stretch? Noted.
  35. “Full-tilt costume” — nope. Gotta be half-tilt only. Can’t have too much tilt.
  36. Kudzanai just captured the inner chaos of my brain in fabric. And feathers.
  37. These designers do more in four hours than I do in a week. I’m exhausted just looking at them.
  38. Can I say again just how much I LOVE these models? And their mirror confessions are everything!
  39. More blood. So much stabbing this week.
  40. Brandon, you are so Zen. Teach me your ways.
  41. I’m super into this JCPenney accessories wall, too. I need a wall like that in my home.
  42. Except mine would probably end up with random Mardi Gras beads and pieces of toddler Halloween costumes on it. Not the same.
  43. I want someone to direct my makeup and hair look every day like this. I would KILL IT at morning drop-off.
  44. Oh no, Kentaro. I just want to hug him. Classically.
  45. I live for the designers dressing the models.
  46. And now I want to hug Deyonté. Hugs for everyone!
  47. OMG Maddie Ziegler!!!!
  48. I wonder if I could wear Heidi’s top knot? Maybe.
  49. *Tries it*
  50. NOPE.
  51. I just want to hold Zac Posen in my lap while he throws little smiles and side-eye at the designs.
  52. What? That’s not weird at all.
  53. Stop judging me!
  54. I cannot read Nina Garcia for the life of me.
  55. Note to self: Never play poker with Nina.
  56. Okay, I stand corrected: Amy’s sweater-pants thing is FIERCE! No lie though, I would get permanently trapped in that if I attempted to wear it.
  57. Uh-oh Zac does not look happy. Come sit in my lap.
  58. *Collective sigh of relief.* You’re safe, Amy!
  59. I would run around literally everywhere in that butterfly cape.
  60. “I’M A PURPLE BUTTERFLY!”
  61. *Gets asked to leave grocery store*
  62. “Mullet-hem” — ouch.
  63. Brandon is so adorably awkward, is he not?
  64. Things you can always count on: Heidi will cut you with her words, but she will make it sound sweet every time.
  65. “Maximalist” — not a word Nina, but I feel you.
  66. Sorry, Nina. Looked it up. Totally a word.
  67. I don’t ever want the panel of judges picking apart my closet. Whatever the opposite of fashion is … yeah, that’s all me.
  68. “It could be a piñata” — more ouch.
  69. HOORAY FOR BRANDON!!!! (Still not giving you a pass on the man bun, though.)
  70. Deyonté is in!
  71. Aw, poor Kudzanai. Sniffle. I guess feathers can end badly.
  72. There is officially no way I could ever be a designer. I bow to the masters.
  73. These designers could totally rock the “Mom, I need a handmade, historically accurate costume that depicts my innermost feelings for school TOMORROW and I forgot to tell you” challenge. When are we going to see THAT Project Runway episode, hmmm?

Well, Auf Wiedersehen until next week, Project Runway! I’m off to try mixing prints again and start building my giant accessories wall! No, not really. But I am going to go rock my sweet joggers …

You can catch more episodes of Project Runway every Thursday at 9/8 central on Lifetime.

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