Welcome to Week 2 of The Bachelor, where we watch as Iowa farmer Chris Soules tries to find a “soulemate” of his very own. (Sorry, there was no way I could resist making that pun at least once. I’ll try to restrain myself going forward.)
For those of you (like myself) who missed the three-hour premiere last week, here are some things we learned about Prince Farming:
- He likes to do push-ups on bales of hay.
- He likes to ride his motorcycle, and also park his motorcycle and gaze thoughtfully off into the distance.
- He especially likes to wear his hoodie unzipped to about his belly button, with nothing underneath. It’s an interesting look.
But his little quirks are nothing compared to the contestants.
On last night’s episode of America’s favorite psychological experiment, we learned that one of the ladies (I’m using that word loosely) believes in aliens, one
probably definitely has a drinking problem, and red lipstick is the single fastest way to Prince Farming’s basket of roses. It was magic. Seriously, I cannot stop watching this show.
Here are my top 5 moments from last night’s episode:
1. Mackenzie tries to make small talk (about aliens).
On their solo date, 21-year-old Mackenzie showed off her masterful conversation skills. Tell your date he has a big nose? Check. Ask if he believes in aliens? Check. Announce out of nowhere that you have a one-year-old child? Check, check, check! But luckily for her, Chris stayed cool:
2. Megan test-drives the motorcycle helmet.
While Chris was out on his date with Mackenzie, Megan and Jillian snuck into his room to do a little snooping. Megan tried on his motorcycle helmet and then … began smashing her head into different stationary objects. I could not make this up. She crashed her head into a brick wall, the refrigerator, the door — you name it, Megan tried to headbutt it.
3. Juelia opened up about her past.
Okay, let’s put on our serious hats for a minute, because this was one of the most genuinely emotional moments of the show. Back at the house, Juelia shares with the other girls that her daughter’s father killed himself shortly after her birth. She clearly still carries a lot of guilt over his death, saying: “I feel so bad that I didn’t understand [what he was going through], but I didn’t. There was no way to know.” I have never wished more that it was possible to give hugs through the TV.
4. Ashley S. opened up a big bag of crazy.
If you thought Mackenzie’s aliens were a red flag, buckle your seat belt, because Ashley S. is the true conductor of this crazy train. It’s hard to even know where to start with this one.
At one point she asked whether a lit votive candle was an angel. Following the paintball portion of the second group date, she started babbling incoherently about “the truth” and how things “go boom” and all of this culminated in my favorite quote of the episode:
“You don’t want to lose the whole world. Right? But actually, you don’t want to gain the whole world. You don’t want to lose your soul.”
What? What does that even mean? She is completely unhinged. Luckily, Chris gave her a rose at the end of the episode, so we can look forward to some more Ashley S. gems next week.
5. Too. much. drinking.
This season is certainly the drunkest one I’ve watched to date. Perhaps ABC realized that it takes a lot of wine to convince the type of woman who is willing to appear on a reality show that going to live on a farm in Iowa is a great idea. I do not know. But dang, some of these girls were a HOT MESS. I don’t think I watched a single scene where Jordan wasn’t absolutely hammered. She tried to twerk, and I was pretty sure it was going to end in stitches. She tried to kiss Chris, and even though he kissed basically everyone else in the house, he took a pass. Then she tried to kiss the cameraman. Classic examples of why you never want to be the drunk girl at the party.
At the end of the night, Jordan was sent home along with Tara, Tandra, Alissa, and Kimberly (whom he also tried to send home last week. Let’s hope it sticks the second time around).
Current finalist predictions: Brit, Megan, Ashley I., Kaitlyn
Next Bachelorette prediction: KaitlynMore On