Earlier today, news broke that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly hired a surrogate to carry their third child — and according to my Facebook and Twitter feeds, it is literally the only thing that happened today. So far, reports imply that the Hollywood power couple has already chosen a worthy uterus to house their offspring, but I’m a tiny bit miffed I wasn’t even given the opportunity to apply to be a Kardashian baby condo. The gig typically pays a sizable $45,000, with bonuses for multiple babies and reproductive organ loss. This may seem like a paltry amount to carry reality TV royalty, but I’ve been carrying my own babies for nada, so what do I know? (Plus, some outlets are reporting that a Kardashian surrogate will be walking away with over $100K — not too shabby.)
If I had the chance to
get fat and emotional again experience the joy of pregnancy on the Kardashian/West payroll, there would be a few things I would have to do during those nine long months …
- Immediately change my name to KiKi or Kassandra or Kassidy. We could not have Kim and Kanye’s spawn getting confused in utero by hearing their vessel referred to as Emily.
- Four words: All the lip kits. Gotta support the family businesses.
- All the Kardashian shows would become must-see TV. Even that one season of Kocktails with Khloe. None of that pesky PBS culture or Discovery documentary BS.
- $45K (or more, if the rumors are true) would certainly go a long way to alleviate some of the unpleasant side effects of pregnancy, no wouldn’t it … Triple-ply lotion-enriched toilet paper? Check!
- While I’m confident there’s an ironclad non-disclosure agreement for this job, I would make all my friends refer to me as the “Chosen Womb” just ’cause.
- And if by some magical chance there wasn’t a non-disclosure agreement, I would Instagram everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Historically, nobody cares about my no-name pregnancy cankles, but Kardashian/West progeny-induced swelling? That’s news!
- Four more words: Kanye Pandora radio station. At full volume. All the time. Because Daddy is talented, too.
- The rumored agreement also includes a prohibition on hair dye, but I would randomly rock a platinum wig because that’s how a Kardashian rolls.
- Find a squad. Can’t have this baby thinking that their host greatly prefers peace and quiet over the mindless chatter of So. Many. People.
- And finally, forever and ever, anytime anyone tried to tell their pregnancy or birth story, I would interrupt them with “Yo, I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish but … “