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10 Things I’d Do If I Was Kim and Kanye’s Surrogate

Earlier today, news broke that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly hired a surrogate to carry their third child — and according to my Facebook and Twitter feeds, it is literally the only thing that happened today. So far, reports imply that the Hollywood power couple has already chosen a worthy uterus to house their offspring, but I’m a tiny bit miffed I wasn’t even given the opportunity to apply to be a Kardashian baby condo. The gig typically pays a sizable $45,000, with bonuses for multiple babies and reproductive organ loss. This may seem like a paltry amount to carry reality TV royalty, but I’ve been carrying my own babies for nada, so what do I know? (Plus, some outlets are reporting that a Kardashian surrogate will be walking away with over $100K — not too shabby.)

If I had the chance to get fat and emotional again experience the joy of pregnancy on the Kardashian/West payroll, there would be a few things I would have to do during those nine long months …

  1. Immediately change my name to KiKi or Kassandra or Kassidy. We could not have Kim and Kanye’s spawn getting confused in utero by hearing their vessel referred to as Emily.
  2. Four words: All the lip kits. Gotta support the family businesses.
  3. All the Kardashian shows would become must-see TV. Even that one season of Kocktails with Khloe. None of that pesky PBS culture or Discovery documentary BS.
  4. $45K (or more, if the rumors are true) would certainly go a long way to alleviate some of the unpleasant side effects of pregnancy, no wouldn’t it … Triple-ply lotion-enriched toilet paper? Check!
  5. While I’m confident there’s an ironclad non-disclosure agreement for this job, I would make all my friends refer to me as the “Chosen Womb” just ’cause.
  6. And if by some magical chance there wasn’t a non-disclosure agreement, I would Instagram everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Historically, nobody cares about my no-name pregnancy cankles, but Kardashian/West progeny-induced swelling? That’s news!
  7. Four more words: Kanye Pandora radio station. At full volume. All the time. Because Daddy is talented, too.
  8. The rumored agreement also includes a prohibition on hair dye, but I would randomly rock a platinum wig because that’s how a Kardashian rolls.
  9. Find a squad. Can’t have this baby thinking that their host greatly prefers peace and quiet over the mindless chatter of So. Many. People.
  10. And finally, forever and ever, anytime anyone tried to tell their pregnancy or birth story, I would interrupt them with “Yo, I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish but … “
Article Posted 1 year Ago

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