53 Thoughts You Have While Watching ‘Home Alone’ as an Adult

Image Source: Amy Stanford
Image Source: Amy Stanford

Oh, the early ‘90s. Where implausible movie plots abound and “you do you” was the widely accepted style of parenting. And no movie in the history of movies combines those two things quite like Home Alone.

Growing up, it was a holiday favorite. (You know, because nothing embodies the true spirit of Christmas like forgetting your child.) But there were so many things — no matter how many times I watched it — that I never noticed. Or I noticed but didn’t think was that weird. But now? Well, now I’m a little older and about 3% wiser and I’m ready to watch with a new set of eyes and a much less sober mind.

So grab your wine and your plain cheese pizza and let’s watch this holiday classic together.

  1. That house is still my ultimate life goal. Surely I can afford it now, right? Answer: Nope.
  2. “If Uncle Frank says no then it must be really bad.” Makes you wonder what Uncle Frank says yes to, amiright?
  3. This kid goes on to create a house of horrors badass enough to thwart the efforts of two burglars. But pack his suitcase? NOPE.
  4. And now he’s crowdsourcing tips on what to pack. I can’t.
  5. “You’re what the French call les incompetent.” Glad she brushed up on all the most important French words before this vacation.
  6. “When I grow up and get married, I’m living alone.” This is still a solid plan, I must say.
  7. “Don’t you know how to knock, flemwad?” “Flemwad” is the Cadillac of old-school disses. Always a classic.
  8. What was it about the mystique of our big brothers’ rooms? What the hell were they keeping in there that we could never go in? You know what … maybe I don’t want to know.
  9. “I wouldn’t let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass.” Of all the worst places to grow on, Buzz’s ass is right up there.
  10. I like that it was realistic that a psychopathic killer was hiding out in that neighborhood of mansions.
  11. “The salt turns the bodies into mummies.” This moment still gives me chills.
  12. “It’s my brother’s house, he’ll take care of it.” Stay classy, Uncle Frank.
  14. “Look what you did you little, jerk.” Oh snap, Uncle Frank!
  15. “Kevin, you’re such a disease.” Little-known fact: Jeff McCallister is Older Pete of Pete and Pete.
  16. “I wish they would all just disappear.” Kevin, about his family. Me, about my student loans.
  17. This is still a banging soundtrack. Run run Rudolph, Santa’s got to make it town …
  18. Ten kids in coach, four parents in first class. Yes, mom, you are a heel. (Whatever that is.)
  19. When I was a kid, I thought Uncle Frank was such a jerk. As an adult, I think he may be my spirit animal.
  20. It takes Kevin kind of a long time to realize the house is missing 14 people, wouldn’t you say?
  21. This movie validated my long-running fear of my furnace.
  22. Kevin running around the house screaming “I’m free!” = Me, 6 PM every Friday.
  23. Buzz’s Playboy stash totally went over my head when I was younger.
  24. That ice cream sundae = #weekendgoals.
  25. “Guys, I’m eating junk and watching rubbish. You better come out and stop me!”  The best part of being an adult.
  26. Let’s talk about this indoor sledding. I mean, there was no way he was clearing that door. In reality this is where Kevin’s story would have ended.
  27. Kevin says he took a shower using “actual soap.” Makes me wonder what he normally washes with.
  28. Bad idea for Kevin: Climbing those bookshelves. Bad idea for me: Polishing off this bottle of wine.
  29. Kevin will walk miles for a toothbrush and groceries. I have not moved from this couch in 48 hours.
  30. I bet the audition process for MaCaulay Culkin involved a lot of screaming.
  31. Where the hell did Kevin get all these mannequins? And how many hours did he stand there pulling the strings hoping that the burglars would drive by?
  32. This pizza guy runs from gunshots but tells no one.
  33. “A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.” = Me, 7 PM every Friday. But with wine. And no pants.
  34. The grocery store clerk is the only person who questions that this 8-year-old is out without parents.
  35. Kevin is home alone for two days and he runs a load of laundry. It’s been three weeks since I ran a load and to be honest, I’m not sure if this outfit is even clean. [sniffs]
  36. This gangster movie really came in useful.
  37. This 8-year-old has access to fireworks, a BB gun, and assorted other super dangerous items. At 27, I still get nervous using the microwave.
  38. Wait, this mom was going to book a private plane from Paris to Chicago but she can’t rent her own car to drive from Scranton to Chicago? I call shenanigans.
  39. Kevin tells this bootleg Santa he wants his family back and the guy doesn’t even question it.
  40. Kevin befriends the Shovel Slayer in the church but he doesn’t think to tell his now-friendly neighbor that he’s about to get robbed?
  41. That poor, neglected macaroni and cheese. Kevin never even gets a bite!
  42. I find it wildly disturbing how easily he thought of all these unique ways to torture people.
  43. I’m starting to believe Kevin isn’t so much resourceful as unhinged.
  44. 9 PM on the dot: These burglars are many terrible things but they’re certainly not tardy.
  45. “You guys give up, or are you thirsty for more?” Apparently they’re thirsty, Kev.
  46. Ugh they’re destroying my future home.
  47. Wait. Kevin just used the phone to call the police. But no member of his family has tried to call him today?
  48. This is the most well-traveled tarantula. Always right where you need him.
  50. Kevin just set out cookies, milk, and carrots for Santa and the reindeer. Oh, he’s in for a sad surprise tomorrow morning.
  51. Good thing Kevin cleaned up the house of horrors by the time mom “reappeared.”
  52. If my mom legit abandoned me and made no contact for days, I would be demanding some SERIOUS Christmas gifts.
  53. “KEVIN WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM?! The wrath of Buzz > two psychotic criminals hellbent on robbing him and biting off all his fingers.
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