73 Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘Married at First Sight: Decision Day’

Alright, guys — I’ve poured my blood, sweat, and tears into Season 5 of Lifetime’s Married at First Sight, and basically become a lady of the couch every Thursday for the last few months. But Decision Day is finally here, and I CAN’T TAKE THE SUSPENSE ANYMORE!

Will Nate and Sheila stay together or finally kill each other call it quits over their constant bickering? Will Danielle finally put Cody out of his misery? And will Ashley and Anthony ride off into the sunset, wrapped in their cuddly couch blanket? (Seriously, where can I get me one of those?)

Let’s DO this:

  1. LOL to Danielle saying she’s anxious about Decision Day — more like anxious to cut and RUN, amiright?
  2. Whoa, we’re like two minutes in and Cody already dropped the D-word.
  3. Cody: “We have a lot of figuring out to do.” —  I’m pretty sure Danielle’s mind is already figured, Cody.
  4. One thing I will not miss about this season being over: Cody’s belt.
  5. Sheila: “This is like the healthiest, happiest relationship I’ve ever been in.” — Say WHAT now?
  6. Prediction: Nate’s not going to be able to deal with Sheila’s cray, and he’ll be the one who walks on Decision Day.
  7. Then she’ll call him a b*tch, just once more for the road.
  8. Eeek Anthony, don’t you know by now you can’t joke about Ashley’s overbearing sister?
  9. Oof this is awkward. Can we get out of this car, already?
  10. When If Danielle breaks up with Cody, it’s going to be super awkward when she has to go to her BFF’s wedding to his brother, because you know that’s totally how this is playing out.
  11. Why helloooo there, Cody’s muscley lunch friend! Where have you been all season?
  12. It’s only a matter of time until Cody starts complaining to him about not getting any sex.
  13. Aaaaaand there we are — right on schedule.
  14. Muscley Lunch Friend: “Have you tried talking to her about it?” — LOL if you only knew, bro.
  15. Is it just me, or is it super weird that Sheila’s casually chatting about her relationship problems while Nate’s brother lingers in the background?
  16. I mean, there’s gotta be at least two other rooms in this apartment to have this conversation.
  17. “I’m just in a season of life where I’m not gonna be disrespected.” — But I WILL call my husband a b*tch whenever, wherever!
  18. Nate’s “same suit, just reheated” analogy makes absolutely zero sense to me, and yet I am already brainstorming ways to insert it into casual conversation.
  19. *Googles*
  20. OMG — it’s “same SOUP, just reheated.” WHAT?! Still love it.
  21. Nate: “There have been a couple of bumps in the road” — Hmmm just to clarify, are you talking about the time she told you she was done with you on the honeymoon? Or the time she moved out and told you the marriage was over? Or the time she freaked out on you in the street and refused to talk? Or the other time she freaked out on you in the street and refused to talk?
  22. I gotta say, I kinda wish we got to see Nate’s dad just one more time before the end of the season, just to relive that epic wedding toast.
  23. Remember when he called Sheila’s dad a “gray-haired ass” and then accused him of stealing from the “tithes”? That was amazing.
  24. I don’t know what’s going on here, but Cody and Danielle are suddenly seeming a little … dare I say … lovey-dovey in this gift-giving scene?
  25. Hmmm … a Yours, Mine, and Ours drinking set isn’t exactly a gift you give someone a few days before you dump their butt on national TV.
  27. Awww, these relationship recaps are getting me kind of emosh. I almost forgot that Cody and Danielle actually had chemistry at first!
  28. Oh yeah, until she started talking about how he’s not manly enough.
  29. And then he wouldn’t stop talking about not consummating.
  30. Aw, Anthony looks so cute in his tux!
  31. Man, Ashley really brought up the having kids stuff EARLY. Pump the brakes girl, pump the brakes.
  32. If there’s anything I’ve learned about Anthony in these last eight weeks, it’s that nothing scares the crap out of that guy more than the word “timeline.”
  33. Damn, the highlight reel of Nate and Sheila’s relationship is INTENSE. I’m getting agita reliving this all over again.
  34. Are there really so few chairs in this house that Cody and Danielle needed to sit on the counters while awkwardly discussing whether or not to get a divorce?
  35. “The elephant in the room is the sex … or lack thereof.” — Not sure it’s really the elephant in the room when Cody has brought it up … oh, only 5,305,064 times since the honeymoon.
  36. Girl, if the “spark” hasn’t happened in eight weeks IT’S NOT HAPPENING.
  37. LOL to Nate pretending to be a waiter in a fancy restaurant — sweater vest and all.
  38. Man, he is like hard core in character right now … “Your husband called ahead for a table.”
  39. Okay seriously, how does Ashley still feel weird about admitting she’s falling for Anthony when she’s basically named all of their children and decorated the nursery already?
  40. Okay! It’s happening! It’s happening! Decision Day is here!
  41. Whoa, Anthony’s super nervous!
  42. He’s sweating.
  43. I’m sweating, too.
  44. Ashley wants to stay married! I totally didn’t see that coming! JK.
  45. Ahhh commercial break?! COME ON, I CAN’T TAKE THIS SUSPENSE.
  46. Anthony: “I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather spend the rest of my life with.” — Awww.
  48. Ashley & Anthony 4EVA.
  49. Oh God, Cody and Danielle are next. Get ready, kids — this is gonna get awkwarddd.
  50. “Cody did have a little moment when he did get concerned ’cause we weren’t progressing physically.” — Um, a little moment? Danielle, you’re being kind.
  51. OMG, finally someone’s bringing up the fact that Cody was the one who pumped the breaks on the sex stuff during the honeymoon. THANK YOU.
  52. Now let him down gently, Danielle. Let him down gently.
  53. Wait.
  54. WHAT.
  55. WHAT.
  56. WHAT.
  57. Danielle really wants to stay married to Cody?!
  59. Omg what if CODY is the one to pull the plug after all this? Like that couple from Season 3 — you know, where the girl with all the wax melt things got dumped after dissing the guy the whole time, but wanted to stay married?
  60. Ahhh I’m on the edge of my seat.
  64. I have goosebumps too, Dr. Rachel. Goosebumps of confusion.
  65. Okay, on to Nate and Sheila. Honestly, I have no idea what to expect from these two. They may have already had another blow-up in the car on the way over.
  66. “Marriage has taught me a great deal about myself … one of those things has been that my words have repercussions.” — Or maybe not, because you totally called your husband a b*tch 85 times in a row on national TV, and he was kinda cool with it?
  67. Okay, Sheila’s still in it!
  68. Guess I’m not surprised.
  69. Wait, Nate too?!
  70. Are these marriages really three for three right now? I’m floored.
  71. These experts are so pleased with themselves, I can’t even.
  72. Lord, I think I’ll be recovering from this Cody and Danielle shocker for days.
  73. LOL aaaand of course he is already mentioning just how badly he hopes “tonight will be the night.” Old habits sure die hard, don’t they?

Man, I’m emotionally exhausted from the last two hours. What’d you think?

Catch more episodes of Married at First Sight Season 5 (and freak out right along with me) on Thursdays at 9/8 Central on Lifetime.

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