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97 Thoughts I Had While Watching the ‘Married at First Sight’ Premiere

Try and deny it all you want, but reality TV is deeeeeelicious — and if you’ve ever caught Lifetime’s Married at First Sight, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I mean, while I do see the perks of letting the professionals pick a spouse for you that you don’t meet until your wedding day, I can’t see myself as ever having the guts to actually go through with something like that. (And I’m guessing my husband probably wouldn’t be a fan of me trying that, either.)

So instead, I swipe a fistful of candy from the hidey-hole my kids don’t know about, and binge on Married at First Sight whenever possible. Because there is a good chance that a beautiful romance (or four) could come out of this show, resulting in happily ever afters that’ll make my heart go all a-pitter-patter. And there’s also a chance there just might be some seriously juicy drama along the way. Either way, I come out the winner in the end because both scenarios are equally entertaining for this non-risk-taker who doesn’t want cameramen hanging out in my laundry room.

And now, for a “few” of the thoughts that crossed my mind while watching last night’s SERIOUSLY addicting premiere episodes:

  1. OMG I AM SO NERVOUS. *Shoves a million Swedish Fish into mouth*
  2. Okay, I’m ready.
  3. HEY THEY’RE NERVOUS TOO, WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
  4. I don’t know that I would have gotten married if there was that much testing and paperwork required first.
  5. What would Anthony and Ashley’s couple name be? Ashony? Anthley? Thonly? I need to work on this.
  6. Anthony cooks? WINNER.
  7. Anthonyism #1: He just called himself, “pretty romantical.” I’m sorry, but this is information Ashley should hear before she signs that marriage certificate.
  8. Maybe she should be able to try his meatballs to see if they are tasty enough to counter-act his making up of words.
  9. I AM EXCITED TOO, ASHLEY! (Pending further investigation into his meatballs.)
  10. Sheila and Nate = Shnate? Shate? Neila? Meh. I don’t think this one’s gonna work out.
  11. Okay, so Sheila’s home is like walking into happiness.
  12. I’d marry Sheila just to hang out with her dog.
  13. Bowtie alert: BEEP BEEP BEEP.
  14. Is having a million candles at home a prerequisite for applying to this show?
  15. Danielle and Cody = Dody? Canielle? YES, CANIELLE. This is meant to be.
  16. If my last name had “Groot” in it, I’d never ever change it.
  17. Ah, and now we have the rebel girl to keep things interesting. Thanks, Danielle!
  18. Did I just see chickens? What is happening?
  19. So they’re putting the city girl and farm boy together. Mmmm-hm.
  20. *Gasps* WHAT IF ASHLEY FALLS FOR CODY’S ADORABLE LOOK-ALIKE BROTHER, INSTEAD?
  21. I’m starting to wish my name was Pepper. Or Paprika.
  22. Hold on: They only have two weeks? I AM NOT CALM ANYMORE.
  23. Telling your parents you’re getting married to a stranger in 14 days … LOL WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
  24. Ashley’s dad is killing her faceless fiancée with his mind right now. BOOM BOOM KAPOW.
  25. Seriously, how can Anthony be trusted with a wife if he can’t be trusted with a smartphone?
  26. Aw, Ashley’s mom is crying. And mad. And faking her support. NOW I’M CRYING.
  27. Am I rooting for Cody’s brother more than him? Maybe.
  28. Oh snap. Danielle’s mom’s eyeballs just turned the entire room into an arctic tundra of WTFness.
  29. Cody’s mom is crying and making him cry and now I’m rooting for Cody again.
  30. FaceTiming your mom the news? HELL NO, NATE. Hell. No.
  31. I have known Nate’s mom for 2.3 seconds so far and already knew she would so not be into this. How could HE not know this?
  32. Awww … Sheila’s friends are just like family: wildly disturbed by her decision but pretending to be supportive because they love her.
  33. I bet that guy in the pink shirt is already booking a taxi to wait outside the wedding hall with its engine running for her, just in case.
  34. Whoa whoa whoa … that ring has to be worn forever. Is there an exchange program? What if they pick ugly rings for each other?
  35. “I’ve never even thought of what my wedding dress is gonna look like.” LIES.
  36. The ring lady’s face is everything to me right now.
  37. … Would it be weird for an old married lady to go try on wedding dresses just for kicks?
  38. On one hand, Nate seems to be a terrible decision maker. On the other, I do like a snappy dresser with slick dance moves.
  39. Funny, “Mullet-like” was never a wedding gown style I sought out.
  40. Aaaannnd Cody’s talking about wedding night sex. He’s the youngest one, right? Of course he is.
  41. If someone would please make emojis of Danielle’s mom’s face for me, that’d be great.
  42. TIME FOR THE BACHELORETTE! It was only a matter of time before the penis straws came out.
  43. Annnnd a penis cake.
  44. HOLD THE PHONE, ARE WE REALLY SKIPPING OVER THE FACT THAT SHEILA HAS NEVER HAD AN ORGASM?
  45. I’m sure orgasmless Sheila is gonna be real proud of her new groom when she sees this footage of him drunkenly grinding the stripper in the party van. Mmm-hm.
  46. Does he know his mama’s gonna see this?
  47. I, too, find ping-pong to be “wild.”
  48. Anthonyism #2: “Bro-out.”
  49. Maybe just don’t give the rogue panties hanging from your rubber vest to your bride tomorrow night?
  50. WEDDING DAY OMG I AM NERVOUS AGAIN.
  51. All the fiancées are starting to look like they have a case of the nervous poops right now.
  52. Some day I long to be as fabulous as the silver-haired bridesmaid in that pink strapless gown.
  53. A crown is definitely better than a gift card. Yes, that is accurate information.
  54. … I guess almonds are okay, too?
  55. Anthonyism #3: Saying married like “murdered”
  56. Booze + fruit = See, that’s good gifting.
  57. A swatch from Grandma Bunny’s dress? *Wipes a tear.*
  58. I want to sit at the table with the guys giving Anthony crap about the almonds.
  59. Shut up, Sheila’s dad. You’re making my her mascara run.
  60. It’s a bit too late for, “are you ready,” dontcha think?
  61. These moms could teach a masters class in passive aggression. (Another spin-off, perhaps?)
  62. Nervous. Poops.
  63. If Cody’s brother doesn’t get a spot in the next season, I will throw this TV right through the window.
  64. I see the guests have on their finest dresses and most poorly-hidden “This Is Bonkers” faces.
  65. It’s always nice to have your parents walk behind you to the altar, talking about how they already need some wine.
  66. I want to stick my finger in Danielle’s dad’s dimple immediately.
  67. Danielle: “It’s a lot happening inside” = More nervous poops.
  68. MANBUN SIGHTING BEEP BEEP BEEP.
  69. Just me, or does this wedding music sound like the soundtrack to Saw?
  70. GAH THIS IS SO A-W-K-W-A-R-D.
  71. Wait — that’s it??? *Throws candy at the TV*
  72. Forget it. I can’t handle the stress. I’m never watching this again.
  73. WHOA is there gonna be a smackdown at the reception? I cannot miss that.
  74. OMG ANOTHER EPISODE STARTS RIGHT NOW? *High-fives self.*
  75. Can someone please get Cody a glass of water or a hug or Xanax or something? He’s been waiting up there FOREVER.
  76. Ah! She didn’t back out! I totally pegged Danielle as a runner.
  77. When will scientists be able to plug into peoples’ brains so we can hear what’s really going on in there during moments like this?
  78. Awww … they’re cuuuuute together.
  79. Grama’s bow is making me cryyyyyyy.
  80. Um, did no one from production think to move the human heart out of Nate’s living room before filming?
  81. LOL Sheila’s dad playing power games. This is gonna be FUN.
  82. Nate’s family is me at every school function that I didn’t want to go to but was made to go to or else I’d look like the jerk mom and I was expected to dress up for it and everything and I cannot wait to go home and tell my friend about all the ridiculous people I had to deal with while I was there.
  83. Can we please keep the cameras on the dads instead of the couple?
  84. Big Italian families spilling secrets, hugging strangers, and crying: just a typical day for us.
  85. I, too, rage-wear fabulous pale pink glittery gowns to parties I don’t want to be at.
  86. Okay I can so picture them as having met at a dive bar and hooking up immediately so this one feels natural.
  87. This is like eavesdropping on awkward dates going on around us when we’re out to dinner but I’m in my PJs and this is free so I am living my dream.
  88. OMG OMG THE FAMILY FIGHTS HAVE ALREADY BEGUN. THIS MARRIAGE JUST GOT REAL.
  89. Speeches? *Gets out the popcorn.* BRING IT.
  90. No one thought to take the price tags off the couples’ champagne glasses?
  91. *Pokes Danielle’s dad’s dimples with my mind.*
  92. OMG — can someone please tell Nate’s dad that wasn’t funny? KAYTHANKS.
  93. Ho ho ho ho hooooold on. She STILL doesn’t know Nate’s “little” brother is living with them? *Sets DVR for the next episode.*
  94. And Cody’s brother swoops in. Yesssssss. I’m calling it now: he’s getting his own show with one of the bridesmaids within a year.
  95. Dr. Pepper is a weeeee bit more optimistic than I am.
  96. No pressure or anything, but everyone wants to know exactly how much sex happens on the wedding night. Ignore the cameras. And the fact that your parents are like RIGHT THERE. And that you still aren’t quite sure that the person’s last name is. BUT DEFINITELY REPORT BACK WITH ALL THE DETAILS.
  97. Phew — that was a wild ride. Can’t wait to see what happens next week!

Catch more episodes of Married at First Sight Season 5 (and freak out right along with me) on Thursdays at 9/8 Central on Lifetime.

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