38 Thoughts You Have When You Watch ‘Sabrina, the Teenage Witch’ as an Adult

Image source: Disney ABC Television Group
Image source: Disney ABC Television Group

Friday nights for a ’90s kid meant one thing: T-G-I-F!

It was a sacred tradition for my girlfriends and me. Every Friday meant ordering Domino’s pizza and watching our favorite lineup. As teenage girls with the frustrations of puberty and high school, we identified with Sabrina, the Teenage Witch — albeit without powers. With Cool Ranch Dorito-stuffed faces, we giggled about Harvey’s dreamy hair and wished we had Sabrina’s charmed life.

It feels like it was just yesterday. Except Sabrina, the Teenage Witch is actually celebrating its 20th anniversary. 20 YEARS! I do not like how old that makes me feel!

To celebrate the anniversary and reclaim my youth, I busted out the Doritos (and a glass bottle of wine) and got to work on some binge-watching.

Here are my thoughts when watching Sabrina, the Teenage Witch as an adult mortal:

  1. Sabrina, you’re clearly a witch. You receive a cauldron for your birthday, have a conversation with your dad in a book, and your cat starts talking.
  2. You better hope that’s all it is!
  3. Is it just me or are the animatronics on Salem freaking anyone else out?
  4. Even as a married 30-year-old, I’m obsessed with this teenage girl’s bedroom. Canopy, carved wood bed, tiffany lamp, stained glass windows …

    SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH - "It's a Mad... Mad Season Opener" - Season Three - 9/25/98 After Salem insults an online friend while playing chess, he gets an unexpected visit from the man, looking to do bodily harm to the cat. Melissa Joan Hart (Sabrina) also stars. (ABC/RANDY HOLMES)
    Image source: Disney ABC Television Group
  5. Why isn’t anyone else worried about Salem? He was sentenced to 100 years as a cat for world domination. I would be sleeping with one eye open!
  6. Libby is the original Mean Girl. Instead of talking behind your back, she’ll tell it to your face. At least you know your status: dork, geek, loser, freak, or double freak.
  7. I never noticed how pretty Jenny is. Don’t let Libby get to you!
  8. But NEVER, EVER cut your hair!
  9. “I don’t want to be special. I want to be normal.” Sabrina, normal is underrated.
  10. Not having to grocery shop, clean, cook… Nope. Tradesies!
  11. Harvey is just as dreamy as I remember. That hair!

    Image source: Disney ABC Television Group
    Image source: Disney ABC Television Group
  12. But he’s not so smart. He mistakes mistletoe for parsley. Poor guy. Poor Sabrina! 
  13. There are so many puns. Like a lot. My favorite is Sabrina dressed as a lobster in the opening credits saying, “Don’t be shellfish!”
  14. Zelda and Hilda are pretty awesome aunts. They changed time itself just because Sabrina had a bad day at school.
  15. It’s kind of amazing that Penn and Teller are on The Witches Council. And Teller still doesn’t talk.
  16. Sabrina’s ’90s fashion totally holds up. Jumpers, daisy prints, plaid pants. Just like modern day hipsters.

    Image source: Disney ABC Television Group
    Image source: Disney ABC Television Group
  17. Hilda’s fashion, on the other hand… A candelabra vest over a satin shirt? Bold move from a woman who’s had hundreds of years to nail down her fashion sense.
  18. I thought Mr. Pool was lame but now I feel for his sad, adult problems. After working at Westbridge High for seven years, all he has to show for it is a faulty briefcase, a beat-up car, and a loss of dignity.
  19. How did I miss these obvious life lessons? And I’m not talking about “you can’t keep Libby a goat forever.” Brady Anderson put it best: “Well if everyone was bugging you, did you consider that maybe the problem wasn’t with the rest of the world? That maybe it was with you?”
  20. Wow. Sabrina upgrades to a hotter dad in season 4. Wonder if I’m just noticing now because I’m older or binge-watching.
  21. OMG! Jess from Gilmore Girls!!! You were a Westbridge High football player before breaking Rory’s heart?!
  22. Every episode seems to have a guest star. Sally Jessy Raphael, Ringo Starr (playing a mummy!), Coolio, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys…
  23. These celebs are like way too cool with being transported to the Spellman residence, no questions asked.
  24. Props to Sabrina for joining the science club despite it being social suicide. STEM so hard.
  25. Hilda doesn’t take things lightly. She keeps an ex boyfriend in her ring. WHAT?!
  26. The Halloween episodes are still the best — a murder on a train, creepy living doll, date with a real monster.
  27. These witches seem to feel no sense of guilt — case in point not caring when their dream dates turn back into dough. Yes, that happened.
  28. I can’t get this song out of my head! “Shake your whammy fanny, funky song, funky song.” (Sorry to my husband for getting it stuck in his head too.)
  29. This show is actually quite funny. There are subtle jokes I never noticed — like a kid being into Neil Diamond.
  30. And it’s super quirky. Like when a giant flan shows up in the cafeteria and people go mad. Apparently everyone LOVES flan in Westbridge, Mass.
  31. I’m sorry. I can’t get through Sabrina’s college and working years. I’m going to speed through the last two seasons.
  32. The Witches Council needs a more progressive stance on inter-realm marriages. They turn Sabrina’s mom into a BALL OF WAX just because she wants to see her daughter.
  33. A ball of wax with a talking face. The stuff of nightmares, right here. 
  34. On to the series finale.
  35. Sabrina, no! You don’t need a “soul stone” to tell you Aaron’s not the one.
  36. You’re clearly meant to be with Harvey Kinkle.
  37. OK, his last name isn’t great but you’ll make beautiful babies with the best sideburns.
  38. Finally. Habrina forever!

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Watch the complete series on Amazon Prime or purchase on DVD.

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