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I love motherhood. It’s magical and awesome (and a few other words that I can’t say here), but let’s be honest: Few things in life bring me as much joy as settling down with a generous glass of red wine after getting all the kids to bed.
However, by the time all of them are asleep I am nearly catatonic, and all I am really capable of doing is sipping a smooth glass of Pinot and scrolling through the Internet.
But the thing about wine is that it relaxes me — which is awesome, until I realize that I just ate an entire plate of nachos. And the thing about the Internet is that with the click of a button, I can order things and have them delivered to my doorstep. Combining the two can result in some interesting purchases that are difficult to explain to my family and friends. Here’s a list of Amazon impulse buys that I ordered while under the influence. No judging allowed.
1. Miniature espresso maker
NEED I SAY MORE?! This thing is small enough to fit into my purse. I can literally pour myself an espresso, while waiting in line for an espresso. Whaaaaaaaaat.
Available now at Amazon, $64.99
2. Mariachi pet costume
I don’t have a dog, but this pet costume makes me want one — badly. I mean … a pet-sized serape and sombrero?! Sign me UP. (FYI I gifted it to my friend who has a pet Chihuahua.)
Available now at Amazon, $7.96
3. Exercise ball
I’m feeling a little chunky this summer, so I typed “personal fitness” into the Amazon search. Everyone says you need an exercise ball to truly get fit, and the people in the pictures looked like they were in very good shape, so it has to work, right? Here’s hoping I actually use it, but if not, the kids can always use a new ball to play with.
Available now at Amazon, starting at $12.99
4. UGG sheepskin insoles
I don’t own any UGG products, but everyone and their mom raves about them. I figured it would be safe to start with a furry insole to see how I like it before making a huge investment. I think I’m supposed to use them inside actual UGGs, but since I don’t own any, I just crammed them into my Nikes. Totally cozy, and totally worth it.
Available now at Amazon, starting at $14.95
5. A pool float shaped like an ice cream sandwich
You guys, this is a real thing in real life. It’s over six feet long, and trust me, floating in the pool on this monstrosity brought me the purest form of joy. It’s tacky, the kids love it, and it’s fantastic.
Available now at Amazon, $29.99
6. Mosquito repellent bracelets
I live in the deep South, where we have a ton of mosquitoes. I am also terrified of contracting West Nile or the Zika virus, so I thought, what better way to repel mosquitoes than by forcing my entire family to wear matching bracelets covered in citronella oil? I like the idea of slapping a bracelet on a kid rather than chasing them around the front yard, attempting to coat their legs with bug spray.
Available now at Amazon, $11.99
7. Knife-proof cooking gloves
How long have these been around? They defy all sensibilities. I can wear them while chopping or grating food and they will protect me from accidentally maiming myself. It’s like magic, really. And they come in kid’s sizes!
Available now at Amazon, $11.99
8. Yoga pants
These have tummy control and are not made of see-through fabric. The description actually clarified that. Sold! OBVIOUSLY.
Available now at Amazon, starting at $17.99
9. Extremely expensive night cream
I got a sample of this amazing anti-aging serum one afternoon at Sephora, and LOVED it … until I saw the price tag. “No way will I ever spend $105 on a serum,” I said. “That’s just crazy,” I said. Famous last words. I never would have done it sober, but my skin is looking pretty amazing. I have no regrets.
Available now at Amazon, $105
I am a long-time fan of sturdy undergarments, but this time I snagged some shaping camisoles. Some of the moms I know swear by their power to smooth out back fat, so I’m going to give it a whirl. Fingers crossed!
Available now at Amazon, starting at $17.27
Some might say “friends don’t let friends Wine and Prime,” but I disagree. Friends should encourage friends to Wine and Prime, because hilarity will inevitably ensue. I mean … every time I go to my friend’s house, I now insist that her dog dress up like a mariachi band member. It’s truly the gift that keeps on giving.More On