Remember when you were a kid and you thought being an adult would be the coolest thing ever? No school! So much money! Nobody telling you what to do! Then you become an adult and you’re all, WAIT A HOT SECOND. The bills come in and the responsibility piles on and suddenly you realize that childhood is the carefree time in your life.
Oh, if you had only known then what you know now.
I remember daydreaming in class about what I would do when I didn’t have homework. My daydreams usually involved watching television and eating brownies straight from the pan, but today’s reality is wiping snot off noses and making spaghetti and wiping down the kitchen for the third time that day. I’m thankful for my life (it’s far better than the alternative and I’m surrounded by awesome people), but I find myself occasionally missing the Saturdays where we’d play Mario Brothers after the chores were done. I miss going to bed when it was still light outside and I miss my mom cooking dinner every night.
Mostly I just miss not having to cook.
Here are all the lame adult things that do not live up to the hype:
Not going to school. 1 of 10
Ahhhhh, look at me lying in a field of flowers. Not going to school. No homework! No teachers! No tests! Yeah, it sounded great until it's 11:45 PM and you're on your laptop working on a presentation and even on the days when you don't bring work home, you still have all the other adult responsibilities - like keeping the house from burning down and feeding yourself.
Driving. 2 of 10
Windows down, music blaring, a free spirit going wherever you want... sure, you're doing all of that! In a minivan, with Kids Bop 27 on repeat and running 10 minutes late to soccer camp thanks to the morning traffic.
Living alone. 3 of 10
No more annoying brothers beating down the door of the bathroom. No more sisters stealing your clothes. Peace would be with you. Except... it's kind of lonely, no? The whole silence thing? You find yourself texting friends and spending hours on Pinterest for companionship and by the way, rent/mortgage is hard to make on your own.
Eating whatever you want. 4 of 10
True, you can eat whatever you want. Nobody can tell you that you can't have ice cream if you don't eat your green beans but being an adult also means that you realize how necessary those vegetables really are to leading a good life and not gaining an absurd amount of weight thanks to no longer having that kid metabolism. So while you may have one too many cocktails and eat an entire pizza by your own one Saturday night, the adult in you is probably going to order a salad next time... or have to buy a new pair of pants.
Not having a bedtime. 5 of 10
You can stay up as long as you want but the truth is, most adults crave those childhood naps and bedtimes. You just have to be able to function at work, as a parent, and on the road. That 8 AM board presentation has you hitting the sack by 10 PM and parenting alone can leave you missing a structured sleep schedule.
Making your own money. 6 of 10
Heck yeah, work! You'd be the boss in no time once they realized your incredible talent and skill! You'd be rolling in the cash! Except... you're not. You're working your way up the ladder, watching the clock, getting fat with a sedentary job, and wondering why all the hours logged still don't own up to a beach house in Malibu.
Being the opposite of your own parents. 7 of 10
Being a cool dad, not a regular dad. You swore you'd never ground your children, enforce bedtime or regular bathing, and that mac n' cheese would be considered its own food group. Yet here you are, catching yourself using the same tone and expressions as your momma.
Wearing makeup. 8 of 10
Nobody can accuse you of looking like a 2-cent hussy and send you back upstairs to wash your face! Oh, no. You can slather on the foundation and blush and red lipstick to your heart's desire. Good thing, because acne's going to follow you into your thirties. Bad thing is that makeup gets pricey and you'll be buying wrinkle cream and zit cream at the same time.
Watching R-Rated movies. 9 of 10
Want to pee your pants and gasp at horrible language? Ain't nobody stopping you! Except some of that crass humor becomes less funny on the fifth installment of that-movie-where-teddy-bears-talk-and-the-girl-next-door-is-a-reformed-porn-star-that-goes-to-a-bachelor-party-in-vegas-with-a-tiger. Really, it's just the same old junk you've seen before and at this point in your life, better shock value is found reading the Politics portion of CNN.
Having a credit card. 10 of 10
Remember when money was this abstract thing that you didn't fully understand and when 1 million dollars seemed like a fortune? (Okay, in fairness it still sounds like a fortune to me!) And if you didn't have it, then heck! You'd put it on one of those magical cards! The sad reality is that those magical cards have to be paid. Money doesn't grow on trees, or did your momma forget to tell you that?