10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Host a Sleepover

I remember seriously loving sleepovers as a kid. I adored my Little Twin Stars sleeping bag and the taboo fun of staying up all night drinking Hawaiian Punch over the carpet and playing M-A-S-H, where I learned I would one day live in a mansion with my crush Stephen while he worked as a mechanic and I as a model. We would have five kids and drive a VW Rabbit and a limo. They are some sweet, sweet memories…

As a parent, my loveĀ of sleepovers remains. You bet I’d welcome a chance for my child to get in on all the Ouija board fun, pizza coma, and scary movie action his little prepubescent body can handle … so long as it’s not at my house. I’m going on record with this bold proclamation: Hosting a sleepover is just plain crazy.

See, I like kids. I just don’t like stranger-children enough to play substitute mommy when I don’t really have to. Hell, there are days I don’t much feel like playing mommy to my own brood.

Meat Loaf once sang, “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.” By “that,” he was obviously referring to hosting a sleepover for his kids; I think we can all agree.

Here are 10 things I would rather do for my kids than host a sleepover (’cause I’m a giver like that) …

  • I’d rather take my kids to an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie marathon 1 of 10
    I'd rather take my kids to an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie marathon
    ... than have to clean up the piss-poor pee aim of 10+ boys.
  • Id rather let my kids choose the family dinner menu all weekend 2 of 10
    ... than have to deal with the dietary restrictions and pickiness of 10+ children. The first parent to pull out an EpiPen proves my point.
  • I’d rather let my children play in every ball pit west of the Mississippi 3 of 10
    I'd rather let my children play in every ball pit west of the Mississippi
    ... than have to clean up even one stranger-child's overnight accident or party-food barf-fest on my living room carpet.
  • I’d rather actually relinquish control of the TV remote to my child 4 of 10
    I'd rather actually relinquish control of the TV remote to my child
    ... than be on high concussion alert from 10+ children cartwheeling down my ever so appealing stairs.
  • I’d rather actually follow my parenting New Year’s Resolutions 5 of 10
    I'd rather actually follow my parenting New Year's Resolutions
    ... than have to restrain my husband from becoming the wildest child of the bunch. Don't get me started ... (but do check out my totally doable New Year's parenting resolutions.)
  • I’d rather road trip it to Sea World with countless potty breaks and infinite “Are we there yet?”s 6 of 10
    ... than have rent a storage unit to hide our Nerf arsenal from those parents who don't condone gun play.
  • Id rather allow my children to get chocolate wasted 7 of 10
    ... than have to pretend to these children's parents that we enjoyed hosting their kid for the sleepover and how we should do it again sometime and little Junior is always welcome.
  • Id rather have my kids attend every birthday party, play date and sleepover they ever get invited to for the rest of their lives 8 of 10
    ... than have the responsibility of keeping 10+ children alive, uninjured and happy.
  • Id rather get my kid a cell phone with an unlimited data package 9 of 10
    ... than get cornered by that one kid who will tell me all about his dog Frisco and how his older brother smears boogers under the kitchen table and how his daddy likes to drink beer and yell at his mom.
  • Id rather raise children who will one day complain about me in therapy 10 of 10
    ... than have to host even one sleepover.

Confessional time: What would you rather do than host a sleepover?

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