Parenting a 3-year-old girl requires you to understand many fundamental truths about yourself. The quicker you can accept them and move forward, the better. So get to it, because Frozen isn’t going to watch itself, and you need to put on the TV now, now, now!
1. You are a mean mommy
You are, in fact, the most horrible mother in all of creation. Step down, Joan Crawford, it is really you who is Mommie Dearest. And why is this? Because you would not feed your son jellybeans before dinner.
2. You ruin lives
You did not remember that today was the day you were supposed to bring a book about reptiles in to preschool. Everyone else had their book, but not your daughter. She was crying at storytime. She is still crying. And it’s your fault.
3. Your ineptitude at parenting is exceeded only by your atrociousness at cooking
Do you call this dinner? This disgusting chicken, vegetables, and rice? Your son knows the truth. The other, good mommies feed their kids chicken fingers and fries every single night, washed down with JUICE.
4. Your husband is Brad Pitt
Daddy is the most wonderful and appealing man on earth. Even if you just spent the last half hour making some ridiculously intricate craft involving a glue gun, felt, and the remaining shreds of your sanity, when Daddy comes home, she will race to him and look at you like you’re yesterday’s leftovers (and not leftover chicken fingers). Daddy doesn’t even know how to use a glue gun.
5. You are a terrible singer
Simon Cowell’s expressions of contempt have nothing on your son’s disgusted face when you attempt to chime in on “The Wheels on the Bus.” That is NOT how you sing it. Stop it before you permanently damage someone’s hearing, you loathsome singer.
6. You are also horrible at reading books
Did you not stop to analyze each illustration in detail and instead just read the actual words on the page? Did you, heaven forbid, SKIP A PAGE? Even though it was the dedication and copyright page? Your daughter has to put up with so much from you. It is a wonder she hasn’t jumped ship and started living with some other mommy.
7. Your fashion sense is abysmal
Why are you wearing that shirt again? Do you like blue? Really? Blue is for boys. Are those pants pajamas? Why is your hair like that? What is on your face? Do you think that eyeshadow looks pretty? Really? … Well, no, now that you bring it up like that.
8. You never let her do anything fun
Pony rides, carnivals, birthday parties … none of this counts unless it lasts literally forever. Because the moment that you’re buckling her into the car seat, you will hear this plaintive cry. Because why didn’t you stay at Chuck E Cheese for a fourth hour, really? Just to defend the last shreds of your sanity? Selfish, selfish.
9. You aren’t fair
It is a matter of almost unbearable injustice that you allowed her sister to wear her Elsa costume to preschool. Also that she does not get to have the red popsicle every time. Also that you don’t let her never bathe. You are exactly like a cruel prison guard drunk with power, but in the guise of a mommy trying to dispense popsicles in an egalitarian way.
10. You are also, sometimes, the best mommy
Yes, sometimes you receive the highest accolade possible. So what if it’s after you feed her chicken fingers and french fries for dinner? You know she’s really just trying to tell you she loves you for the glue gun project.