So dating is a long way off (it better be), but the talented Michael Sheehan over at Dadding wrote the hilarious, If You Want to Date My Daughter, You Must Follow These Rules. In short, Michael’s rules, well, rule and I’m working to incorporate them into my parenting agenda for the next decade or so.
All this dating stuff got me thinking just how frighteningly quick time passes. Before long, I’ll have a couple of lovesick boys wandering around the house with that glazed look in their eyes getting on my damn nerves. If I have any say at all in the kind of ladies (note: I said “LADIES”) my boys bring home to date, they must follow mama’s very simple rules.
1. BE A LADY
For goodness sake, if you aren’t really a lady, at least pretend to be one around me.
2. NO SEXTING
This is not a treat, but a promise: I will sneak into my son’s room like a ninja and check his phone nightly for inappropriate sexts or naughty pictures so you best not be sending ’em.
3. DON’T YOU DARE SHOW OFF YOUR THONG
I don’t care how much my son likes it when you let your thongy freak flag fly. More is more Sweetheart; respect yourself.
4. DON’T HAVE TATTOOS
Look, I don’t mind tattoos per se but you’re a teenage girl and right now that tat is making you look like someone who doesn’t give a $#@& about her parents. If you don’t give a $#@& about your own parents, then you most certainly won’t give a $#@& about me.
5. LOVE MY SON (BUT LIKE, NOT TOO MUCH)
You and I may only ever agree on one thing: My son is the greatest young man in the history of the entire universe. Love him, respect him, but don’t be all psycho-needy about it.
6. RESPECT ME AS HIS MOTHER
You don’t have to suck up to me for me to like you, but you do need to respect our family’s values. Just be cool sister; be cool.
7. GO TO SCHOOL
I don’t expect you to have your whole life figured out but I do expect you to go to school (and by going to school I don’t mean smoking out on the grassy knoll near the track with your fellow ditch bitches).
8. DON’T SMOKE
Smoking is grody and it doesn’t make you cool. My liking you makes you cool.
9. NO DRAMA
Hey, I was a dramatic teenage girl once upon a time too. Please save the drama for your mama; not my son.
10. DON’T BE A SPOILED BRAT
My son didn’t save every monetary gift he ever received to blow it on you at Forever 21.
11. DON’T MAKE OUT IN FRONT OF ME
You know what’s sexy? Holding hands.
12. DON’T DRESS LIKE A FLOOZY
I can and will judge your trampy book by its cleavage showing/bare midriff blazing/stiletto heel stomping/false eyelash wearing cover…and so will everybody else.
13. DON’T BREAK MY SON’S HEART
You breaka his heart, I breaka you face.
14. CROSS YOUR LEGS (AND KEEP THEM THAT WAY)
I don’t want to see what’s going on between your legs and I certainly don’t want to find out the hard way either.
What are your non-negotiables for teenage dating?