My Dearest Fellow Boy Mama,
I don’t have to tell you how special the bond between mother and son can be. The addictive high that comes from being the greatest love of your boy’s life is good. So good. Too good.
I have two sons—double the pleasure, double the gross, double the injury, and double the mama’s boy love. As the queen of my castle, I’m continually reminded that I’m kind of a big deal in the lives of my sons. They need me. They adore me. They sure know how to feed an ego!
No matter how ugly, fat, depressed, old, or tired I feel, my boys are my personal cheering section, dishing out complements and heaping amounts of love faster than I can consume them.
I never set out to raise mama’s boys, nor did I expect to become a fraction of all they’ve created me to be.
My heart may selfishly hope that this mama’s boy thing lasts forever, but as a daughter-in-law and one day mother-in-law, my head knows why it cannot.
For now, I think I’ll just enjoy my reign as queen of my boys’ hearts for as long as they’ll allow me to occupy so much real estate there.
Think you might be raising a mama’s boy? Here’s how to tell:
1. YOUR SON TALKS ABOUT LIVING AT HOME FOREVER AND YOU DON’T HATE THE IDEA
Your boy at home FOREVER! Yes, please…at least in theory. Just imagine all the Scrabble games, early dinners, and episodes of 60 Minutes you’ll enjoy together!
2. YOUR SON THINKS EVERY LITTLE THING HE DOES IS MAGIC
Every bite he chews, fart he makes, and breath he takes is the stuff of pure magic. Mama’s proud of the big things, the little things, and the things he hasn’t even thought of yet.
3. YOUR SON IS OLD AND STILL CALLS YOU MOMMY
Being called Mommy is the greatest gifts of motherhood, but it has an expiration date. I’m not bold enough to put an age cap on the use of Mommy, but it’ll begin to sound funky coming out of that part of your son’s face concealed by facial hair.
4. YOU’RE YOUR SON’S PREFERRED PLAYMATE
Siblings, neighbor kids, and classmates ain’t got nothin’ on mom! After all, when you play with mom, you’ll always get to go first and you never have to lose!
5. YOUR SON THINKS YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
You could pilot a plane, speak the ancestral language of the Basque people, or split the freaking atom and your son wouldn’t be surprised because Mom knows all of the things.
6. YOUR SON IS YOUR SHADOW
He follows your every move, hangs on your every word, and is always, always watching. Adults get arrested for this kind of behavior.
7. ESPECIALLY DESIGNED FOR HIM
Sure, there’s plenty of room on the couch, but the couch isn’t warm, inviting, or nearly as comfortable as your lap. Boy ass, meet instant mom chair.
8. YOUR SON HAS A THING FOR YOUR HAIR
I don’t know if a son’s obsession with his mom’s hair is symptomatic of an Oedipal complex, but both of my sons went through this phase. They liked to touch it, brush it, and compliment it. People, my hair is a labyrinth of follicle confusion, yet all they see is lovely.
9. YOUR GROWN SON DOESN’T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT DOMESTICS
It’s cute how much your son needs you…until he grows up to be a grown ass man. If your adult son doesn’t know how to do his own laundry, wash dishes, or clean a toilet, he’s got his mama to blame.
10. YOUR SON NEEDS YOU TO SLEEP
He wants Mommy when he’s awake and he wants Mommy when he’s asleep. What is love? Mommy, don’t leave me, don’t leave me, no more.
11. YOUR SON THINKS YOU’RE ALWAYS RIGHT
Do you really want your son telling his teenage friends, “Na ah, my mom says…” No, no you don’t.
12. YOUR SON THINKS YOU’RE A MASTER CHEF
Mom, it’s no question that you make a mean SpaghettiO meal, but your son thinks it’s 5-star dining because it’s microwaved with love.
13. YOUR SON THINKS MOM IS BETTER
Dad’s great but mom’s better. She gives better hugs, squeezes better ketchup, and reads better bedtime stories.
14. YOUR SON THINKS “MOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!” IS AN ANSWER TO EVERY QUESTION
Most of us rely on a Siri and Google for answers; your mama’s boy relies on you, and only you.
15. YOUR SON THINKS YOU’RE THE PRETTIEST
Actresses, models, and women half your age don’t hold a candle to you, pretty mama. Your son thinks you’re the most beautiful woman in all of ever and who are you to doubt him?
16. YOUR SON TELLS YOU HIS SECRETS
I’d rather know my son’s secrets than not know them (at least at this age). Will I always feel this way? I suppose that depends on the secret…
17. YOUR SON BRINGS YOU THINGS
Whether it be a bouquet of hand-picked flowers from the neighbor’s yard or a collection of assorted rocks, your son is always thinking of you.
18. YOUR SON IS PROUD OF YOU
Your son can’t imagine a better fate than Mom volunteering in his classroom, chaperoning his school field trip, or tagging along to his friend’s birthday party. “That’s my mom!” he shouts with pride as he points with enthusiasm in your direction.
19. DR. FEELGOOD
No babysitter, teacher, or doctor can fix a boo-boo the way mom can. Mom’s reassuring words and warm hugs are often the only thing that can make it all better.
20. YOUR SON CAN’T MAKE A DECISION WITHOUT YOU
What would mom do (WWMD)? Your boy remains powerless to make a decision – any decision – without mom’s blessing. Mother knows best!