*SCREECH!* Let’s get real. Moms + Sex = Not that often. It’s math; you can’t argue with math.
OK, so maybe you and your partner have engaged in coital hotness every night for the last 8 years and you have 7 kids that haven’t slowed down your collective libidos. Well, this post isn’t for you sex kittens. And might I add, wowza.
For the rest of you mamas who dream of steamy sexy sleep every chance you get; I’m on your tired team.
And yes Dr. Ruth, moms know sex is important to maintaining intimacy in a relationship blah, blah, blah. Moving right along…
If women have needs then I gots needs of a different variety. I’ve got needs that involve quiet, wine, reality TV, laughter, gossip magazines, and pretty things. Am I really so different that the rest of the moms out there? The answer is no; I know because I asked.
It’s not that moms don’t enjoy sex because that’s not it at all. We love us some chocolate cake too, but we’re not about to bake ourselves one at the end of a long day. You dig?
I polled the female masses (that’s what he said) and collected the most popular excuses moms use to get out of sex.
1. Can it wait until after The Real Housewives?
Whoa, major blow to the male ego, but we can’t possibly focus on anything until we know if Vicki and Tamra are on the outs. Priorities people.
2. The kids are awake
You know what’s completely unsexy? The sound of our kids’ voices 12 feet away.
3. We’ll wake the kids
Who are we kidding? You know as well as I you can be quiet as a mating church mouse when you want to be.
4. Don’t you just want to talk
Sometimes it is just nice to talk. If we haven’t seen you in what feels like an eternity, don’t make our first encounter a grabby grabfest. Let’s make it gabfest instead!
5. I haven’t taken a shower
Dirty girl = No dirty girl in the bedroom.
6. I’m so tired
What do you get when you take a woman who works really hard, worries really hard, and takes it all really personally? One tired mother.
7. I have a headache
My husband swears a dose of good lovin’ can cure a headache…so can 400mg of Ibuprofen.
8. I’m so fat right now
We know you don’t care if we’re fat right now but we care. We really, really care.
9. I’m too cold
Might body heat solve this problem? Probably, but still.
10. Let’s just snuggle
Is there anything better than cozying up to your partner and falling asleep? Spooning need not always lead to forking.
11. I haven’t shaved
Just think of our legs as a cactus, the spikes are there for a reason.
12. I think you owe me an apology
Maybe you don’t know what you did wrong, but we sure do.
13. I’m, ahem, ungroomed
Before the flower gets plucked, the flower gets groomed.
14. Why do you think she looked at me that way?
Women spend much of their time worrying about all sorts of seemingly meaningless things. There’s no chance of sex until we clear out all the mental cobwebs.
15. I have cramps
Cramps have never, and will never, feel sexy.
16. I just took a shower
I was too dirty so I took a shower and now I’m just so clean. Let’s not ruin it with sex.
17. I think I’m ovulating
Depending on what side of the fertile fence you’re on, this one might be a problem.
18. I’m PMSing
I’m hungry, emotional, bloated, and exhausted. Sex sounds about as appealing as a teeth cleaning right now…but you can be a doll and fetch me a candy bar.
19. I have to get up early tomorrow
Somewhere in the back of our minds we think sex takes a long time. It doesn’t, but we use this excuse anyway.
Some days are just bad days. You’ve listened to us drone on about our jerk boss and our headache for the last hour hoping there was sex at the end of this black rainbow. There wasn’t.
Have you ever used any of these excuses to get out of sexy time?