My 3 and 6-year-old daughters are remarkably clever. Yet as brightly as their little stars shine, upon closer inspection it’s clear that while their brand of ingenuity may light the way from their bedroom to the bathroom so they don’t stub a toe, that’s pretty much all it’s worth. Clearly there’s a reason why kids aren’t legally allowed to live on their own until age 18. My little ones are proof that while they know their way around a can-I-have-an-extra-cookie-for-dessert-and-stay-up-late-tonight negotiation, anything they count among their skills still renders them astonishingly useless the moment they step outside the front door.
1. They don’t always realize other people besides them actually exist in the real world.
2. They don’t care other people besides them actually exist in the real world.
3. They’d probably starve since they would spend all their food money paying for the stuff they break in the supermarket.
4. They’d literally never get anywhere because they prefer pressing the “Walk” button at crosswalks repeatedly instead of actually crossing the street (ditto for elevator buttons).
5. They recognize Idina Menzel as the real woman who voiced Elsa, but still insist the Elsa they met at Disney World is the real real Elsa.
6. They would prefer to never close the door when going to the bathroom.
7. They think everyone wants to see (and discuss) their poops.
8. Their farts: hilarious (to them). To everyone else: how does something so little and pretty emit something so noxious?
9. Their incessant straw slurping.
10. They think appearing on Facebook or starring in a YouTube video means something meaningful has been accomplished.
11. The first sneeze on someone else can be passed off as an honest mistake. The fifth and sixth could reasonably merit a citizen’s arrest. Wiping a booger on a friend or stranger would reasonably get them tarred and feathered.
12. They think baths should be an annual event, not an every-other-night one.
13. Curious children are adorable. Children who ask the lady in line at the dry cleaners about the non-existent baby in her tummy have a tendency to get killed with a single look.
14. When stuck in traffic, they insist the car can simply drive over the ones in front of it.
15. They prefer dimes to quarters because they’re cuter, and pennies above all else because sometimes when you hold them just so, they look kind of pink.
16. They think walking barefoot into an airplane bathroom won’t give them some form of the plague.
17. Their propensity to holler, “I don’t like him!” at random to strangers for no particular reason.
18. They will cuddle a worm yet scream in terror at the sight of a puppy.
19. Their preferred diet of Hershey’s Kisses and Goldfish will make them popular with cardiologists and dentists, although not so much whoever has to squeeze next to them on a bus.
20. Honesty is the best policy. Unless you’re on the receiving end of their version of it.
21. If the Tooth Fairy ever failed to show up, they’d go all CIA on her ass.
22. Deep, dark secrets = stories to share with the world.
24. They think changing their panties is only necessary on special occasions.
25. Incessant, unapologetic line-cutting.
26. They can never open their clementines.
27. Gumming a shopping cart handle, slurping dirty snow, or licking the car might not kill them, but if your soul still dies a little each time, it’s kind of the same thing.