An Angry Mother's Rules for After-School Pick Up

There’s a new sheriff in town and she ain’t happy.

It’s the fourth week of school around these parts and according to my calculations, it’s faaaaaar too early in the school year for the after-school madness I’ve witnessed from my fellow parents.

Listen, I’m a reasonable woman. I’ve been late for school pick up. I’ve rolled my eyes at slow walking kiddos crossing the street on their way home from school. I’ve been there, but here’s the thing: We don’t get to be dangerous jerk-offs when it comes to picking our kids up from school. We just don’t.

I read Devan’s list of the 8 biggest peeves she encounters during after-school pick up and I was like yes x 8. The difference between Devan and I is that she’s way nicer about this stuff than I am. I’m seriously pissed at the behavior of some of these selfish parents. So pissed that I developed my own set of after-school pick up rules and plan to go all vigilante justice with ‘em.

Check out my totally reasonable after-school pick up rules and let me know if I missed any in the comments below!

  • Get out of your damn car 1 of 7
    Get out of your damn car
    Unless you're one of the few parents who arrived at school pick up early enough to nab a primo parking spot, park two miles up the road like the rest of us and go get your kid. Yelling and/or honking for your child from your air-conditioned slow-moving vehicle is neither effective nor appreciated by the rest of us.
    Image credit: Shutterstock
  • Move it along 2 of 7
    Move it along
    Hey, it's cool you're friends with other parents and stuff but get out of the flow of walking traffic if you want to chat. My kids and I shouldn't have to walk into incoming traffic because you want to stop and discuss the primetime fall lineup.
    Image credit: Shutterstock
  • Don’t be late and pissy 3 of 7
    Don't be late and pissy
    So you're late picking up your kid, so are half of these parents. Stay cool, breathe easy, and stop acting like your kid is the only one who needs picking up.
    Image credit: Shutterstock
  • Um, how about following the law? 4 of 7
    Um, how about following the law?
    Don't park: on red curbs, in handicap spots, in stranger's driveways, or in the middle of the damn street.
    Image credit: Shutterstock
  • At least try not to kill someone 5 of 7
    At least try not to kill someone
    For the safety of children everywhere, follow the speed limit, drive with caution, and respect the crossing guard!
    Image credit: Shutterstock
  • Look behind you, Stupid! 6 of 7
    Look behind you, Stupid!
    Whether parked in the school parking lot or within a mile radius of school grounds, you can be sure there are small people everywhere - in front of you, to the side of you, lurking in dark corners, hanging from streetlights, and most certainly behind you. Before you throw your car in reverse and press the gas, look behind you!
    Image credit: Shutterstock
  • Don’t run across the street with your kids 7 of 7
    Don't run across the street with your kids
    Listen, I know walking to the other side of the school to catch the crosswalk kind of sucks but do it anyway. Not only is running across the street with your kids dangerous, you're teaching them that convenience trumps safety. It doesn't.
    Image credit: Shutterstock

Sound off my fellow renegades! What other after-school pick up rules should parents be following?

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