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Fear of Dying Was NOT in the Baby Books

I hate to admit this because I’m not one to share my sorrows or emotions online. I would much rather make others have a laugh or smile quite frankly (why yes that is me in the pic). Occasionally, when feeling overwhelmed by the size of my posterior for example, I will tweet out how annoyed I feel about it, enjoy the “I hear ya, sister” tweets I receive in response, and then move on. Of course, I have tweeted about a crappy day here and there but usually, all you get to see is laughs, sarcasm and caffeine.

However, lately, I’ve been reading so many stories about loss and how one’s life can change on a dime that it’s harder to just move on. So much so, that I’m kind of petrified in the back of my mind, all the time. Seriously, I’m a total scaredy cat.

I’m afraid of dying.

I’m afraid of dying and leaving the loves of my life, my babies, behind.

I’m afraid of how one’s life can be joy and light and fluffy one day, and just over the next.

Fear was NOT a chapter in any baby book I read.

I blame my children.

Before kids, life was all about me and the husband and my job and where should we go this weekend, and movie nights, and calorie counting is for sissies, and stuff that had nothing to do with death and depressing things. Ah, to be young again.

Then I got pregnant and had my son, and the feeling that I couldn’t live without him, quickly followed. Having my daughter only amplified that feeling my life without my children would mean nothing.

But once I had kids, all those stories I hear and read about, where the parent(s) die or fall ill, become harder and harder to just shake off. For me, I find it so difficult that I now actually try to avoid reading them altogether. If it’s a movie involving sickness or death, I’ll pass and watch Bridesmaids on loop instead thank you. Honestly, I can’t even say the “C” word without simultaneously knocking on wood. (Yes, you can blame my very Greek, very superstitious mother for that one I do).

Is it just me? Do you find it impossible to not put yourself in another mother’s position, if only for a moment? Did motherhood bring you face to face with your own mortality? Want to go halfsies on a bottle of Valium?

 

Article Posted 7 years Ago

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