iTorture: The New Way My Daughter Likes to Punish Me

Image Source: Flickr
Image Source: Flickr

My daughter is a master of all things iPhone, iPad, and computer. Sabrina is also a master of a modern-day form of parent abuse known as iTorture which involves repeated and severe infliction of texts (she uses an app from our family iPad), emails, and other tech maltreatment.

This is how it goes:

Wallpaper iTorture

I’ve just had a stand-off with Sabrina about my refusal to buy her any more clothing until springtime, given that her drawers are so stuffed she can barely close them. A little while later, I turn on my iPhone. She has created a new homescreen wallpaper that reads, “Worst mom ever.”

Working mom iTorture, Type 1

I am frantically rushing out of the office at the end of the day to get the train home. Sabrina FaceTimes me.

Me: “Hi, honey!”
Sabrina: “MOMMY! I don’t know how to do the graph for my science project! Can we go over it?”
Me: “I need to catch the train, we can do it when I get home.”
Sabrina [holding iPad over a graph that makes me dizzy just looking at it]: “Mommy, can you just tell me how to fill this in? All we have to do is show which thing had the most static cling! I just don’t understand how to do it. Silk had the most and tin foil had the least but where do I put the dots? Hair also had some static cling but that was just 10 seconds and silk had two minutes and … ”

Shopping iTorture

Email: “Mommy, pleeeeeease, can I get a new choker cuz the one I had broke? You know the black one? Here is the Amazon link. Pleeeeeease I really need this and it is only 7.99!!!”

App iTorture

Conducted while standing on line at the supermarket, waiting for a doctor’s appointment or whenever a child is bored:

“Mommy, can I use your iPhone to play Candy Crush?”
“Mommy, can I have your iPhone, I want to play Cut the Rope?”
“Mommy, I want to play that hair styling app, what is it?”
“Mommy, can I borrow your iPhone to play Trivia Crack?”
Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Working mom iTorture, type 2

Text: “Mommy, do you know where my black tank top with the rhinestones on the collar is? I haven’t seen it. Can you help me find it?”
Me [sitting in my office 25 miles away]: “Honey, check the downstairs laundry.”
Text: “OK … It’s not there. Mommy, I need to find it. Where do you think it is?”
Me: “I’m not sure, I can look around when I get home.”
[Five-minute pause]
Text: “Mommy, maybe it got packed away with the clothing we wore on vacation?”
Me: “I can check when I get home.”
Text: “Do you think somebody stole it?”

Video iTorture

“Mommy! Look at this video I made on Video Star!”
“Mommy! Look at this video I made with Grace!”
“Mommy! Look at this video I made in slow-mo!”
“Mommy! Look at this video I made with Max!”
“Mommy! Look at this video I made with that wig from Halloween!”

Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Peer pressure iTorture

Text: “Hi Mommy! The sleepover is fun! Emma says tomorrow her mom is taking her to the place where u can make stuff out of glass and it’s soooo cool. Can I go? Please? Emma wants me 2 come.”
Me: “We’ll see!”
Text: “Hi this is emma i really want Sabrina 2 come can she?”
Me: “We’ll see!”
Text: “Mommy you always say we’ll see! Mommy Mommy are you still there?”

Working mom iTorture, Type 3

Via FaceTime: “Hi, Mommy, are you busy at work? You don’t look busy. School was good. I have a lot of homework. Did you really wear that to work today? Don’t you have to dress nicely? I need some new tops. Can we go shopping this weekend?”

Sigh. Kids these days.

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