Mom Stats: Being A Mom By The Numbers

When I’m not writing about parenting or engaging in parenting activities, I’m a political blogger. As anyone who reads the politics pages knows, no self-respecting political writer can get through a single article without spewing forth incomprehensible statistics like so much pea-soup vomit. Political analyst types luuurrrrvvveeee numbers because it makes us sound smarter.

The occupational hazard of relying on numbers for everything is that I tend to start breaking everything into numeric data points. (I know, don’t you want to invite me to your next cookout and engage me in a deep conversation about polling stats? I’m awesome like that.) In other words, I count stuff in my daily life. I track trends. I analyze sequences. In short, I have turned parenting into an exercise in comparative statistics in order to make some sense of this chaotic responsibility of being a mom.

I broke down the “mom stats” of my usual week for you all, Lego stomping, coffee slurping, and butt-wiping all included. Click through to see how it all plays out!

  • Mom Stats 1 of 11
    mom stats

    How does mom life break down by the numbers? Click through to find out!

  • Road Warrior 2 of 11

    Number of Miles I Drive Weekly: 125

    Number of Places I Go: 3

    Preschool, Trader Joe's, Target. Lather, rinse, repeat.

    Photo credit: photo stock

  • Maid Service 3 of 11

    Number of Times I Sweep the Floor: 21

    Percentage of Grocery Budget In Crumbs: 30%

    The dropped Cheerio situation is almost enough to make me consider a dog. Almost.

    Photo credit: photo stock

  • Short Order Cook 4 of 11

    Percentage of Meals I Prepare: 100%

    Percentage of Meals I Consume Uninterrupted: 0%

    The fork is usually halfway to my mouth when my son asks for more milk.

    Photo credit: photo stock

  • Potty Time 5 of 11

    My Relative Toilet Usage: 1/3

    My Relative Splattering of Urine Outside the Bowl: 0/3

    My Relative Responsibility for Bathroom Cleaning: 3/3

    I try not to think about this because it makes me angry.

    Photo credit: photo stock

  • Spa Day 6 of 11

    Number of Finger- and Toenails In My Family: 80

    Number of Finger- and Toenails That I Have To Maintain: 60

    I should just go to cosmetology school and make a living off clipping nails.

    Photo credit: photo stock 

  • Mean Mom 7 of 11

    Number of Legos We Have: A Bazillion

    Number of Times I Am Willing To Step On An Individual Lego Before I Throw It the F*ck Away: 1

    'Nuff said.

    Photo credit: photo stock

  • Squeaky Clean 8 of 11

    Number of Butts I Have: 1

    Number of Butts I Wipe: 3

    I should buy stock in hand soap. I'd earn my money back and more in no time.

    Photo credit: photo stock

  • Tube 9 of 11

    DVR Capacity: I dunno. Lots?

    Percentage of DVR Capacity Dedicated to Kids Programs: 80%

    Superhero Squad, anyone? We've got 10 hours of it stored.

    Photo credit: photo stock

  • Elixir Of Life 10 of 11

    Number of Cups of Coffee I Drink Each Week: 14

    I'd drink more, but I'm so old that drinking coffee after 1pm keeps me awake at night, thus necessitating more coffee that keeps me awake and so on and so forth.

    Photo credit: photo stock

  • Snuggle Bug 11 of 11

    Number of Hugs I Get: Uncountable

    This is the stat that makes al the others insignificant

    Photo credit: photo stock


Article Posted 3 years Ago

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