Parenting Means Catching Vomit in Your Bare Hands ... and Other ThingsLori Garcia
Oh, Parenting, you wild and wonderful adventure, you. Just when we think we’ve got you all figured out, you remind us we never had a clue. You humble us, poke fun at us and bring us incredible joy. You do these things and so much more, but not a moment before making us all-around better people for simply knowing you.
While the parenting experience has been known to mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people, certain universal truths remain. Let’s take a look!
… MacGyver-ing a makeshift diaper out of used Starbucks napkins, bobby pins and resealable sandwich bags.
… not hesitating to catch vomit with your bare hands and then congratulating yourself for it.
… banning junk food for your kids and then binging on Cheetos and Oreos from your secret stash.
… secretly hoping there’s a child that behaves worse than yours in your kid’s class.
… catching yourself using a swear word and turning it into a word that doesn’t really make any sense, “What an a**-sssssss-tro-naut!”
… always having to say, “Say sorry.”
… paying top dollar for a replacement lovie on eBay at 4 am.
… using the bathroom in front of a live audience.
… finding random Barbie shoes, broken party favors, and used Band-Aids at the bottom of your purse.
… becoming a human trash can. “Mommy, hold this.”
… cutting tags out of every piece of clothing your child wears because they find them “scratchy.”
… trying your absolute hardest not to laugh when your kid does something totally hilarious because it’s completely inappropriate.
… reminding your kids not to suck on pennies … or lick doorknobs … or put peanuts up their noses.
… leaving a very full grocery cart in the middle of the store to deal with an epic meltdown involving Scooby-Doo fruit snacks.
… eating cold, rubbery meals long after your kids begrudgingly consumed their hot ones.
… fishing poop out of the bathtub.
… making home design choices based exclusively around durability and stain camouflage.
… buying new jackets every week because your child keeps losing his.
… grooving to Disney soundtracks, even when you’re all alone.
… wondering what you ever did wrong to deserve such madness.
… wondering what you ever did right to deserve such awesome kids.
… breaking every last “parenting rule” in the name of survival.
… bribes. So. Many. Bribes.
… yet another birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s.
… tearing your house apart to find a Lego the size of a grain of sand.
… wearing a sleeve of Rainbow Loom bracelets like a boss.
… inside jokes involving Elsa, Elmo and Caillou.
…”gifts” of rocks, rollie pollies, flowers, and bits of broken bottles from your kids.
… reminding your kids to wear clothes in public.
But these are just a few of MY favorite (and least favorite) things. Let us know what parenting means to you in the comments below!