The Most Controversial Mom(my) Blog Post Ever

mom blogAuthor’s Note: This is parody. Any resemblance to any actual blogger is totally coincidence.

Welcome to my Mommy Blog! I think you’ll find that we’re just an ordinary family living a lot like most of you!

Both of my children were born with unmedicated c-sections because they were breech. I was very disappointed not to birth vaginally but at least I didn’t have an epidural! I wanted my husband to perform them at home, but our doula convinced me that his experience smoking and slicing free range turkey to supplement our basement stockpile of couponed non-perishable goods was not the same as medical school.

My oldest is now 7 and still nursing! I’m so proud of being able to feed him the perfect food! Unfortunately, he monopolizes my supply so the baby drinks a combination of Costco brand formula and raw goats milk from the goat we raise in our backyard. We use the goat poop as fertilizer for our veggie garden. The kids both love fresh raw broccolli smothered with Velveeta. We don’t believe in cooking food so everything from our garden is raw and the only cooked food the kids eat are lunch meats, cheese, hot dogs, and Pirate’s Booty.

My oldest goes to public school for half days, mainly for socialization and so I have a legitimate platform for my opposition to standardized tests and comprehensive sex ed. Sex ed should be taught by ministers or by observing the mating habits of our backyard hens.  I homeschool him in the afternoons. We do lots of great science projects like growing organic foods and those Sea Monkey kits we order from the back of his comic books.

I’m teaching my baby sign language and Spanish. I prefer that no one address the baby in any English at all, unless is educational television like Jeopardy. We haven’t told anyone the baby’s gender. The sexism in our society is epic and we don’t want our kids to fall victim to gender stereotypes. We made the mistake of telling our oldest he was a boy but we’re trying to make up for it by making sure his wardrobe is 50% dresses and skirts. I am making all of his clothes and plan to start an Etsy shop of BoySkirts before the holidays.

We don’t believe in commercial vaccines. Instead we make our own using my breast milk (I updated all my own vaccines to make the milk more effective) combined with ground up fingernails of a local kid who got chickenpox last year. I cook up the mixture in my crockpot and serve it with kale juice smoothies.

We follow the rules of debt free living so that we’re not dependent on big corporations. We were able to pay everything off after winning the lottery and highly recommend PowerBall as part of any financial plan. We invested the remaining money in Fortune 500 companies like DuPont and WalMart. The profits off our investments is letting us convert our SUVs to biofuel. The neighbors complain about the smell of the fast food oil we collect from McDonald’s to power our cars but they’re just jealous of how much money we’re saving by not supporting Big Oil.

I can’t wait to connect with you at the next big blogging conference! I already have a sponsorship lined up! It’s a company that makes fabric for cloth diapers, reusable maxi pads and toilet paper – I’ll be handing out samples at all the parties! See you there!

Photo credit: photo stock


Article Posted 3 years Ago

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