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Ladies, forgive me as I spill the beans on the weirdly awesome goings on inside the brain of a woman. I have my reasons.
I recently read 5 Secrets From the Man Vault from Redbook which I found to be equal parts disturbing and fascinating. When I shoved the article under my husband’s nose, he sheepishly admitted guilt to three out of the five secrets. Which three out of five? He wouldn’t tell … because they were secrets. Ugh.
My estrogen levels soared as I felt the need to trump these five secrets with about a billion of my own — but why? I’m guessing it had everything to do with the fact that I was surprised by the man secrets. I always considered men to be the straightforward species. What you see is what you get; no surprises here. Women, on the other hand are a completely different story. We don’t say what we mean, we hear what men don’t say, and above all, possess the uncanny ability to get what we want.
So yeah, I expect secrets from women and unfortunately now, feel slightly suckered by men.
But men, I ain’t mad atcha. How could I be? Especially when women have been keeping these 20 secrets since the dawn of the ages.
1. We save mementos from past relationships
Trust us, we’re not still pining over that loser who slept with our best friend … but we are saving that sweet love letter he gave us when we were 17. Remnants of our romantic past serve as reminders of how far we’ve come, memories of our younger days, and how good it feels to be loved.
2. We secretly hate you a little …
For not having to push out a baby. We know it’s not your fault, but still.
3. We are mummies
The wires, the tape, the padding, the unbreathable 80% Nylon, 18% Spandex, 2% Cotton blend industrial body shaper. From what’s underneath the dress, to the insoles and toe bandages, we are uncomfortable as hell under all this fabulousness.
4. We have access
DUN DUN DUN! It’s not like we went undercover in some covert operation to uncover your deepest darkest online secrets (unless, of course you gave us reason to). The fact that your password is automatically stored on your computer and you never log out of anything makes it entirely too easy.
5. When we say no gifts …
We’re totally lying. Let there be gifts. Let there always be gifts. While we may swoon over the expensive (doesn’t every girl?), we swoon a million times harder over the thoughtful.
6. We use Halloween as an excuse
We judge women every day for dressing like hoochies, but when Halloween comes along we give in to the spooky forces of sexy. We blame the night.
7. We are divalicious
When we’re all alone, we sing and shake our booty with enough awesomeness to make even Beyonce blush.
8. We pretend …
All sorts of things, including but not limited to: Being interviewed by Conan, having our very own cooking show, and that every single love song is about us (obvs).
9. We take long showers …
To get out of doing stuff like watching the kids, talking to your mother on the phone, and cleaning up the breakfast dishes.
10. We re-enact fights in our heads …
With you, your mother, our mother, and our frenemies where we speak the impossibly clever and win every time. Badass.
11. We spend way too much time …
Scrutinizing our face in a magnifying mirror; I mean really. We know every large pore, sun spot, unruly chin hair, and fine line. We then stay up nights thinking about them.
12. Another name for shopping is …
“Errands.” We have lots and lots of errands.
13. We have girl crushes
Get your mind out of the gutter! Girl crushes involve lusting after a woman’s style, superior genetics, wit, and undeniable charm.
14. When you ask if we’re wearing something new …
We’ll usually say no and act irritated with you for not noticing it before. (Remember to remove the tag, ladies!)
15. We want to be wanted
Grab us, kiss us hard, pinch our butts, send a sext. We’ll pretend we don’t like it but we do. We really do.
16. We can be disgusting
We eat peanut butter from a big-ass spoon right out of the jar, cake with our hands, and lick the inside of the empty potato chip bag…like a lady, of course.
17. We’re usually mad at you …
For something, anything really. Estrogen’s an evil bitch.
18. We pretend we’re the female lead in romance movies …
Because we’d make a way better Bella Swan than Kristen Whatsherface.
19. We stalk our ex’s Facebook profiles
Not because we’re still in love but because we hope they age poorly in a sorry life of eternal loneliness.
20. We look at porn
Ok, not porn-porn but mom porn. Christian and Ana? Oh yes … oh … yes … yes!!!!