When you are in the early years of motherhood, there are a lot of things that naturally get put aside. I’m not talking about all the breakable expensive stuff you stored away while baby proofing — I’m talking about dignity and self-respect. The ridiculous things we do in order to keep our kids healthy, happy, and going could be enough to drive any poor mom absolutely mad.
If you’ve ever looked the other way while your toddler blew his nose on your shirt, you know what I am talking about. If you have ever given nothing but a loving smile and gentle nod of understanding while your kid puked on you, you know what I am talking about. This stage of motherhood can easily be classified as the Hot Mess Mom stage.
You know you’re a Hot Mess Mom when …
1. In an overly optimistic moment of feeling like Mary Poppins, you invite a few of your child’s friends over for a play date for the next day. You immediately forget, don’t clean your house, don’t plan any snacks or activities, and are totally stunned when the doorbell rings that afternoon.
2. The pile of bills on the kitchen counter is starting to rival the pile of laundry on your dining room table.
3. Your dust bunnies have colonized to the point of being able to threaten an actual mutiny.
4. In a fit of unrealistic productivity, you write “clean out the fridge” on a list of things to do. Upon revisiting that list, you open the door and see that the effort required to get that fridge clean will mean donning a HAZMAT suit and earning an advanced degree in biology in order to understand what on earth is taking place in the crisper.
5. Your kids will not shut up about how much they hate dinner, so you give in and let them eat mac and cheese on the couch while watching cartoons. You join in.
6. It isn’t even lunch yet and you’re already wondering if you can justify having a glass of wine.
7. You wore yoga pants and an old tee shirt ensemble yesterday that was so comfortable you slept in it. You’re still wearing it today. Underwear included.
8. You have begun communicating with other human adults in solely grunts and yawns.
9. Coffee is not so much a morning beverage to you anymore, but 2/3 of your daily meals.
10. Your idea of a cardio workout is chasing down your toddler because he snatched your cellphone off the kitchen counter.
11. You have said “what the hell?!” so many times today that you honestly wonder if you are being pranked.
12. Meal planning has devolved from lovely dinners fit for adults with normal taste patterns to an ever-rotating plate of chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, and pizza.
13. Your husband mentioned a date night last week and you started crying out of desperation.
14. You haven’t worn a bra in 10 days.
15. The last time you went to the bathroom alone, it was only because you had the stomach flu. At least now you know where your kids are willing to draw the line.
16. You have bathed using only baby wipes.
17. You took the trash out and got the mail and wondered if that counts as a social life.
18. You start swearing in kid-friendly speak so much so that when you whack your thumb while hammering a nail you scream “sugar doodle!” instead of the F-bomb standard.
19. You display almost no emotional responses to anything unless someone is actively bleeding or shrieking so loud that your ears are bleeding.
20. The kids ran through the sprinkler a few dozen times, and you’re pretty secure declaring this as a bath.
21. You tried to make a phone call but spent the whole two minutes and 37 seconds of it screaming to the kids to sit down and shut up.
22. While you turned your back for one minute to pull a dirty sock off the ceiling fan blade, your kid tried to ride the dog like a horse and fell down, hitting his head.
23. The toddler got his diaper off and peed on the floor. You use a kitchen towel to clean it up and mutter some bullshit about being Zen under your breath.
People tell me that I should feel so blessed while my kids are young because it goes by so fast. Well, if it weren’t for the massive bags under my eyes, my complete inability to speak in full sentences, or the fact that I ran out of give-a-damns long ago, I would be right there with those well-meaning ass-hats. Instead, I’m going to shove their advice where the sun don’t shine.