10 Reasons I’m Pretty Sure Child Protective Services is Coming for Me

I love my kids just as much as the next mom. But an abundance of adoration doesn’t also mean a pair of handcuffs isn’t in my immediate future.

I can kiss and affectionately squeeze my daughters from sunrise to sunset, but there are still some inevitable tears at various intervals throughout the day. And if that salt water running down their cheeks could talk to the authorities, I have no doubt I’d be hauled off faster than you can say Octomom was out getting another mani/pedi while her 14 kids shared two Lunchables among them for breakfast.

Here are 10 reasons I’m pretty sure the next knock on my front door will be an agent from Child Protective Services:

  • Bad Mommy 101 1 of 11
    Bad Mommy 101
    In which my photo shows up next to the dictionary definition.
  • Bloody Fingertips 2 of 11
    Bloody Fingertips
    You try clipping the nails of a wiggly, ornery 18-month-old whose arms are thrashing and flailing without drawing a few drops of blood.

    Go ahead and try. I'll wait.
  • Starvation 3 of 11
    My 4-year-old consumes three meals a day plus 19.2 snacks and 14 gallons of water. Yet after she goes to bed, she insists she feels as if she has not been fed in a month and will not last the night without a gummy worm and a bag of microwave popcorn.

    When her bid for an early midnight snack fails, residents three towns over can hear the alleged hunger pains in her stomach. Or at least they can hear her screams of protest.
  • Naked Photos 4 of 11
    Naked Photos
    If snapping your kids in the bath tub is grounds for arrest, then I'll be going away for a long, long time, as photographing my daughters with soapy bellies is a practice in our bathroom more common than the toilet flushing.
  • Hairbrushing 5 of 11
    "OW! You hurt me!" my 4-year-old invariably wails when I brush her hair each morning.

    She'll scream the same thing even when I stroke her hair with the flat side of the brush, which I do sometimes just to reassure myself that her drama is self-induced.

    I can't imagine, however, that Child Protective Services will be able to distinguish the difference in the brush strokes — or the whimpers.
  • Car Seat Drama 6 of 11
    Car Seat Drama
    My 4-year-old would like to sit in the front seat with no seat belt.

    She sees anything less — i.e. her booster seat in the second row — as a clear violation of her 8th amendment right.
  • Emotional Cruelty 7 of 11
    Emotional Cruelty
    "You NEVER cuddle with me!" my 4-year-old weeps when I tuck her into bed and turn to leave without getting under the covers with her.

    That comes after I've spent the last 45 minutes — plus an hour before that on the couch, plus 30 minutes when she gets home from school, plus the moment when she first wakes up in the morning until the second before she leaves the house for preschool — cuddling with her.
  • Elbow Abuse 8 of 11
    Elbow Abuse
    It's too painful to retell, but you can read here about how I popped my 18-month-old's elbow out of its socket recently.
  • Malnutrition 9 of 11
    Ice cream for dinner is what you give a child whose elbow popped out of its socket on account of your failure as a mom, nay, human being.

    There's not much nutrition in a dish of strawberry ice cream, but at least there's a healthy dose of guilt alleviation.
  • Bribery 10 of 11
    Good parents teach their children that the rewards of getting enough sleep, eating green vegetables and cleaning up their toys is the feeling of satisfaction that comes with knowing they're doing the right, healthy and responsible thing.

    Bad parents pay them in money and M&Ms to just get it done.
  • Isolation 11 of 11
    "You're mean!" my 4-year-old growls while my 18-month-old concurs with her perfect pout when I tell them they may not hold hands while the older one is on the potty.

    The sniffles and sobs they communicate to each through the closed bathroom resemble the last cries of Romeo drinking the apothecary's poison when he thinks Juliet is dead.

    Their mewls are also like a direct bat-signal to CPS, who I think I just heard pulling into to my driveway.

Photo credits: iStockphoto

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Article Posted 4 years Ago

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