Thanksgiving is billed as some kind of wondrous family gathering of thankfulness that inspires warm and fuzzy feelings for all who participate. I’m here to say the only warm and fuzzy feelings I get on Thanksgiving are from that first shot from the bottle of hootch I keep stashed behind grandma’s macrame.
And while we’re talking about grandma, let’s just all go ahead and admit that most of our grandparents are still slightly racist. Using the adjective “slightly” is probably being a little generous, even.
Thanksgiving is the time we gather together, hold hands around a bounteous table of food and opine about that for which we’re most grateful. You know, grandma is thankful her stories still air on SOAPnet, grandpa appreciates the magnifying glass he uses to read the paper. Oh, and he’s also grateful for the election and the opportunity to get President Obama out of the White House and by the way, did you know the president isn’t even American, he wants you to know. His birth certificate is a forgery, just ask that hard-working young man, Donald Trump, he’ll tell you. A beautiful head of hair on that Donald Trump, grandpa says.
Your mother-in-law wants you to know that when her kids were babies she wouldn’t tolerate for one minute the way your kids are behaving. When she was raising children she made them toe the line and the way youngters behave these days is terrible. By the way, are you really going to roast the turkey breast-side up? And is that oil you’re using instead of butter?
YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.
One bottle of hootch isn’t enough. I just want to lounge around my house with my kids, creating our own traditions that include but aren’t limited to wearing sweatpants, watching TV and not answering the door to anyone, especially extended family members. Here then, are ten reasons NOT to spend Thanksgiving with extended family members.
Judgment Day 1 of 10Turkey day? Not very likely. Thanksgiving with family is more like judgment day. All the underhanded barbs from moms, "Oh, you cut your hair..." Or how about "When my kids were little I took their binkies away at one-year-old."
"When my children were babies I had them all potty-trained by 2-years-old at the latest."
"Oh, you're cooking the turkey that way? Interesting..."
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Get In The Ring 2 of 10This year is going to be particularly bad. We'll have just elected a new president and God forbid Obama wins again. Your slightly racist grandparents are going to be ranting and raving the entire day. And let's not forget about your drunk brother-in-law Eddie who will be raving about government so vociferously your face will be flecked with mashed potato. Political talk inevitably leads to religious talk which is always a party with relatives who seem to delight in discussing how you're going to burn in hell forever. Good times.
Drunk Showdown 3 of 10What holiday family gathering is complete without a drunken rage? I remember one year my younger brother had a few too many. He also happened to be the one manning the deep fryer we had opted for instead of baking the turkey. There my husband and I sat, anxiously watching him staggering around thousand degree oil splattering all over the back deck, certain we were going to be THAT family showcased on the evening news for setting fire to their home.
There Will Be Tears 4 of 10All the alcohol consumption leads to violent emotions, which inevitably lead to waterworks. Drunk cousin Eddie ends up confronting his mom, who has also had one glass of wine too may. She ends up bawling, snotting all over the place before running upstairs and locking herself in your bedroom where she proceeds to howl, "I did the best I could! I was a GREAT mother!" until the whole family is forced to gather around the locked door, telling her what an amazing woman she is and begging her to come back downstairs and enjoy the day.
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F#@% Football 5 of 10Watch your football, I don't care. But you know how it goes: all the guys end up gathered around the TV screaming obscenities while the women cook everything. The dudes inhale the food in three minutes and then it's back to the TV while the women-folk clean up. God forbid you suggest they do a dish. "BUT THE GAAAAME, BABE! THE GAAAAME." Thanksgiving is SUCH a sexist holiday.
On The Road Again 6 of 10No one in their right mind braves holiday crowds and boards an airplane with small children only to spend the day dealing with drunk, emotional relatives who are constantly judging your parenting techniques. Why would you do that to yourself? Driving is no better either. Five hours of "Moo-oom! Henry's touching me again! Stop touching me Henry!" Or "Mom! She won't stop looking at me!" And then dad threatening to turn the whole damn car around if YOU KIDS DON'T KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW!" Please turn the car around, Dad. Pretty please? Mom is begging you.
This Times Ten 7 of 10If two kids can wreak this much havoc, multiply that by ten once your siblings' kids arrive. And, as we all know, there is always one or two bad apples in the mix. Somebody is going to get hurt, somebody is going to cry... and the kids could get in trouble too.
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Kitchen Duty 8 of 10If you do the smart thing and choose not to travel you might end up spending the day at your house. Which is totally preferable to being someone else's house guest but if family comes to stay at your house? The dishes, my God, the dishes. Not to mention Uncle Jerry setting up camp in the bathroom and stink-bombing the whole house every morning. However, doing the dishes is a good reason to hide in the kitchen and sip off your hidden bottle of hootch.
You Want To Stay On Good Terms With Family 9 of 10Don't feel guilty! Your drunk brother-in-law they call Spike is a whole lot more tolerable from afar, right? Just make your excuses and avoid the drama this year. "Oooh, so sorry guys! It's my turn to work on Thanksgiving this year! So sorry to have to miss the good times this year." Then buy yourself a couple bottles of wine and enjoy yourself at home.
Photo credit: telegraph.co.uk
You Want To Have A Nice Thanksgiving Don’t You? 10 of 10Look. You want to enjoy the holiday, don't you? Stay home! Why stress yourself and your family out by traveling miles and miles only to face the judgmental wrath of relatives who will spend the day critiquing you. Plan now! Start telling mom you have to work this year. You're SO disappointed but hey. You're a hard worker and that's just how it goes! Photo credit: healthytalktoday.net
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