5 Reasons I Don't Like the Easter BunnyJohn Cave Osborne
You know who I don’t trust all that much? The Easter Bunny. Oh, I know. I’m a jaded skeptic, right? One who’s lost touch with his inner Peter Cottontail, no less. Well, color me negative, but I’ve had about all of that clown I can handle. Sure he’s going all hippity hoppity on us, as Easter is, indeed, on its way. And sure, my kids love the guy. But the bottom line is this: I don’t love him.
In fact, I don’t even like him, and here are 5 reasons why.
#1. Real life experience: Back in the day, a buddy of mine bought a rabbit, and we thought he was so cool. He’d hop around our house during our college days when we’d let him out between classes. So totally cute, this little white fluff ball was. Until he got big and his white fur turned kinda mangy and rusty colored. Then, of course, he developed this malodorous problem which didn’t help any. Plus, he got so big, we’d have to let him play outside and he’d dig up stuff and chew roots to shreds and ultimately revealed himself to be the disgusting rodent which he truly was. (Though, I don’t think rabbits are actually rodents, but, still, they should be.)
#2. Promiscuity: You think I want some glorified rodent with a disturbing addiction to fornication interacting with my kids? Hell, no. By all accounts, rabbits knock it out like five times a day, or something. And, honestly? That’s gross. Even grosser than that odor I’ve come to associate with them.
#3. Rabbits don’t lay eggs: You know what I hate just as much the whole fornicating / grossness thing? Deception. And the Easter Bunny is chock-full of it. For example, Rabbits don’t lay eggs. So why does the guy carry around a basket full of them, handing them out (albeit with candy inside) as if he has anything at all to do with ’em? I smell a rat. Well, that’s actually a rabbit I probably smell, but metaphorically, at least, I smell a rat.
#4. He’s a pawn: Any stand-up guy represents himself to the fullest. No one I know with any integrity whatsoever allows himself to simply be a pawn for others to use to further their own self interests. But that’s exactly what the Easter Bunny is. See, second-century missionaries were eager to convert the Saxons to Christians. So they lifted the rabbit, as well as a springtime ritual known as “Eastre,” and came up with this whole elaborate Easter Bunny / Easter deal make Saxons less leery of accepting Christ, whose resurrection, obviously, is also celebrated in the spring. I wrote all about it in a post called the Easter Bunny Expose, should you want to learn more. But for now, suffice it to say this: he’s a pawn, and it’s hard for me to be down with a pawn.
#5. Commercialization of Easter: These days, the Easter Bunny is to our children what he once was to the Saxons: a convenient entity designed to garner widespread buy-in. Only it’s gone a step further. Now, he comes with eggs, chocolate, and even gifts. So the way I see it, the Easter Bunny is behind the unfortunate commercialization of Easter. And I truly lament that. I mean, look at Christmas. We’re never getting that one back. Such is the way of Easter, I’m afraid, and I’m blaming the bunny.
SO, there you have it. The five reasons why I don’t like the Easter Bunny. One favor, though. Please don’t tell my kids, okay? They love the guy. And for now, I’m sorta okay with it. *winks*